Loyal readers know that this blog has regressed into a semi-annual affair. I can’t help it — I just have way too many other things to do that are much more fun than writing this blog. Don’t start a blog unless you are prepared to feel guilty about not writing posts. When November rolled around, I found myself so profoundly uninterested in doing the research and then writing this post that I considered not doing it. But then I started hearing from people who would say, “I can’t wait to read your gift list this year!” Ugh. Can’t you find anything more interesting to get excited about than a blog post? I recognized it has become my duty to serve those of you who don’t have an ounce of creativity and wish to live vicariously through me. So here we are.

Note: This is an example of what NOT to give and is not promoted as an item on this list.

I promise I will never recommend a joke gift. The only person who really thinks a gag gift is funny is the giver, then the receiver is stuck with yet another thing to take to Goodwill or a gift swap party. Honestly, who really needs to make a cast of their penis using the Clone-A-Willy kit? This seems like a DIY kit that could really get you into trouble. And for those of you who are thinking of calling me out over the bamboo underwear recommendation from 2017, it was not a joke.

Face it: we all have too much stuff already, and the last thing we need is more junk. So this year, The List is about mastering new skills. It’s about getting your lazy loved ones off of their asses. Let’s get them thinking, moving and creating! Let’s help them discover a talent they never knew they had. Let’s give them gifts they never even knew they wanted. Because I can pretty much guarantee that no one you know ever dreamed of asking for any of the things on this list.

HOW TO THROW A LASSO KIT

Tony and I have been watching Yellowstone recently, so the cowboy way of life is very much on my mind. I highly recommend it, if you like westerns and gratuitous violence. It’s basically The Sopranos Go West with Kevin Costner as John Dutton, The Godfather. The fact that they carry on all the killing and fighting in the name of saving Montana from a future of condos and casinos makes us happy to side with the Yellowstone-branded cowboys, who can lasso a calf faster than I can put on a pair of bamboo underpants. They can be riding at a full-on gallop, swinging that rope around their head, then toss it around a calf’s neck at the exact same time as another cowboy does the same thing at the ass-end, slipping a rope under the calf’s hind feet. It is amazing. So I have added learning how to throw a lasso to my bucket list, though I’m not sure what I would do with a skill like that. If nothing else, it would make a pretty good party trick. This would likely be the most unexpected gift of Christmas.

How to Trick Rope Kit - $41.95

HOW TO CROCHET KIT

While we are watching Yellowstone, I like to do something with my hands. It keeps me from eating and gives me something to do when I need to look away from a scene where a person is being branded or beaten to a pulp or bitten by a snake. So I usually knit or do needlepoint but I have started to run out of things to make. It will surprise you to read this, but I had never learned how to crochet until a couple of weeks ago. I found this great series of kits called Woobles that include everything you need to crochet a child’s (or dog’s, as I discovered the hard way) toy and I learned how to crochet in about an hour. The online instructions are the clearest I have ever seen and I think even people like you could learn how to crochet with one of these kits. I am proud that I can now add crocheting to my very long list of skills that will help me to survive the apocalypse.

Woobles Crochet Kit - $27.99

HOW TO TAP DANCE

As long as I’m going down my personal bucket list, I have to include How to Tap Dance. I used to HATE watching tap dancers when I was a kid, so no one is more surprised than I that this has made it to my bucket list. Now tap dancing is a fitness thing, like Hip Hop Dancing and Zumba. Worried that you don’t know your loved one’s shoe size? No problem. These taps are built into an elastic rubber form that slips on over your shoes. If you are going to worry about something, worry about your loved one getting thrown out of their apartment over a noise violation. Not recommended for those who live higher than the first floor.

Learn to Tap Bundle - $47.00

HOW TO PLAY THE GUITAR

My first guitar. Yes, I have a black eye and a very short skirt.

While I was lying in bed this morning doing my usual 90 minute mindless scroll through Instagram I stumbled across an ad that said, “Learn the 3 Secrets to Stop Dabbling and Start Playing Guitar (Without Hours of Practice or Superhuman Discipline).” I learned how to play the guitar in 8th grade using a book, then honed the skill by hiding in my room every night, strumming away instead of doing homework. Because I was the third child and they were worn out by the antics of my older sisters, my parents couldn’t care less. I’m sorry to say that, in spite of sacrificing my entire high school academic career to the instrument, I don’t play it well. I haven’t played in years, and don’t have calluses on my fingertips anymore — now I have golf calluses in the palm of my hand. I was curious about whether it was too late for me to learn, so I clicked on the ad.

Of course, it was a video pitch. We have all done this, right? You start to watch the video where they talk, talk, talk about what you are going to learn. You can’t fast forward, and you have no idea how long the video is. It’s tedious — sort of like this blog. I took one for the team and watched the entire video. After 20 minutes I would have happily poked myself in the eye with a fork if I could just get to the end. After 54 minutes he said, “If you happen to still be watching, I know you stuck around for a reason.” Yeah, I’m running a timer so that I can write a blog post about it. I am probably the first person to ever watch the video all the way through and am doomed to be shown How To Play The Guitar ads on my Instagram feed for the next 3 months as a result. Tony, the teacher, is a long haired, bearded, tattooed, geeky guy who also plays ice hockey, so he is wearing a hockey jersey. He speaks really fluidly without pause and is oddly engaging, but I still just wanted to cut to the chase. I had hoped the video would end by giving me access to a sample lesson, but no joy. After more than an hour of learning about Tony’s teaching techniques, I learned that I can get a $2,097 value for just $16 per month. If he had thrown in some amazing ginsu knives I probably would have signed up on the spot. Nevertheless, I think it looks like a good system so I’m sending you straight to the purchase page. By this time next year your loved one will be playing the intro to Stairway to Heaven. Or at least the bass line of Smoke on the Water.

Tony’s Acoustic Challenge - tonypolecastro.com

Quarterly - $29/mo ($87 every 3 months

Yearly - $16/mo ($151 per year)

Lifetime - $599 (forever, or as long as the guy’s website stays active)

HAND PRUNER

My husband Tony (aka, The Fruit Nazi, not to be confused with the guitar teacher) is the busiest person I have ever known. He works outdoors from sun up to sun down most of the year, digging, planting, pruning and then trying to keep the deer from eating everything he has been caring for. But the deer always figure out how to eat the plants anyway, so he buys more and the cycle continues. It’s a Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote kind of thing that never ends. This year Tony asked Santa for an electric Hand Pruner made by Stihl which Tony says is the best. Tony owns just about every kind of outdoor equipment there is, so it’s a pretty good bet that, if he doesn’t have it, neither does your loved one who has the audacity to call his riding lawn mower a “lawn tractor.” And it looks enough like a tiny chainsaw to make your lawn tractor-driving loved ones wet their bamboo underpants as they tap dance out the door to start pruning.

Stihl GTA 26 Hand Pruner - $149.99

Multifuncton Sewing/Embroidery Machine

When Tony (the husband) is outdoors pruning bushes and testing new deer-repelling techniques, I am inside making stuff with my snazzy sewing machine which I named My Desktop Ferrari because that’s about how much it cost. Okay, maybe you can’t buy a Ferrari for $19,000, but it is considerably more than I spent on my first car, a 1969 Saab 99E with a driver’s seat that would randomly fall backward while I was driving. I did a ton of research before I bought my machine, so you don’t have to. Anyone who knows sewing machines knows that Bernina is the Mercedes of sewing machines, but I tried one and ruled it out mostly because it has a front-loading bobbin, which I find annoying. Brother makes good machines but there is no one in my town who can fix them, which is why I was forced to get a new machine in the first place. I chose the Husqvarna Viking Ruby 90 because it does everything I want to do, from ordinary sewing to custom embroidery. But frankly, creating custom embroidery is not for everyone, so people like my friend Cary who calls me semi-annually for help with her printer, should probably choose a different hobby.

Here are just a few of the things I have made with my Desktop Ferrari:

Husqvarna Viking Ruby 90 — priceless

CRICUT CUTTING MACHINE

Pronounced cricket, not cry-cut. Cricut makes machines that cut, draw and write on paper, iron-on media and vinyl. This is a perfect gift for anyone who is crafty and thoughtful. Being thoughtful is a requirement because most of what you do with this machine is make cards and things for other people. My favorite use for my Cricut Maker is pop-up cards, but I also use it to make iron-on designs for T-shirts and tote bags. Here are just a few of the things I have made with my Cricut:

I am fairly certain that at least one of you will want to buy your loved one a Cricut machine, so listen carefully to my advice. Do not buy a bundle. When you buy a bundle, you get the machine and a bunch of paper, vinyl and iron-on media, most of which you will never use. So choose the machine you want, then buy a package of paper to go with it in a bunch of colors. And get some glue as well, because all the paper projects require it. That will get you through Christmas day. After that, the gift receiver can figure out what they want and get it themselves. Cricut accessories and associated media are very expensive, and are always excluded from daily coupons at Michael’s and JoAnn Fabrics, so it might be nice to give a gift card or clever chit to help with the first purchase.

All Cricut machines come with the free Design Space app. You find a project you want to make, customize it to say what you want, then click Make It. The design is sent by bluetooth or USB cord to the machine and the printing/cutting begins. People like my sister Norah and my friend Cary might have trouble with it, but that’s because they can’t figure out how to use a computer, and not because the Cricut is so difficult.

Which one to get? The Cricut Joy is the least expensive, but it is also tiny and very limited. I personally would skip right past that one. The Explore and Maker series are fairly similar in what they can do, but the Maker series advertises “commercial-grade performance.” The Explore 3 and Maker 3 can make long banners and larger designs. I haven’t really missed those features, but if you are into banners, you should get one of those. It’s kind of funny that there is a Cricut Maker and a Cricut Maker 3, but no Cricut Maker 2. I reckon they decided to skip the second one and go straight to the third one because they knew the second one would be a pain in the ass and the third would be the best. Hmm. Sounds familiar.

Cricut Joy - $99.99

Cricut Explore Air 2 - $229,99

Cricut Explore 3 - $249.00

Cricut Maker - $299.00

Cricut Maker 3 - $349.00

FUSED GLASS MAKING

When my golfing buddy Cherie (@cm_glassart ) isn’t playing golf, she is doing something called Glass Fusing. Thecrucible.org describes that as “the process of joining compatible sheet glasses together in a kiln until the glass fuses at approximately 1490 degrees Fahrenheit.” Frankly, I had no idea that anything other than the place I am destined to go when I croak could be that hot. Cherie does this because she and her husband bought a farm that had a work shed and she felt she needed to do something with the shed. So she took a fused glass class, liked it, and decided to invest a kabillion dollars on a bunch of kilns and other glass fusing equipment that makes my hobby room look like I make macaroni art. I visted Cherie’s workshop during an artisan’s tour and was gob-smacked by the amount of equipment she has and how scary it looks.

Fortunately, I was able to find a simple Introduction to Glass Fusing Kit for those who might like to give the craft a try without making such a huge investment. It seems a little sketchy turning your microwave into a kiln, so your best bet might be just giving one of Cherie’s pieces as a gift. Tell her you read about her on the youngestsister blog and receive zero discount.

Introduction to Glass Fusing Kit - $48.80

New microwave for when you fuck yours up by trying to fuse glass in it - $79.89

3D PRINTING

When my daughter-in-law gave my son a 3D printer about 5 years ago, I thought he would probably use it twice then get bored with it, or it would break. 5 years and a jillion completed projects later it appears I was wrong. 3D printing works a lot like my Cricut cutter in that you can find projects online, tweak them and send them to the machine. I don’t think it is really difficult to use, as long as you are not my sister Norah or my friend Cary. The cool thing about 3D printing is that you can make things you need, like hooks for peg boards, lost Lego blocks, dishwasher parts, and lots of other cool gadgets. Who knows? You could probably print a pair of bamboo underpants or an improved version of your Clone-a-Willy output. The sky’s the limit.

Here are some of the things Taylor has printed for us:

Taylor knows more about 3D printing than anyone I will ever meet, so I asked him to give me a recommendation on a printer to share with my readers. He must think this blog caters to a high-end clientele because the one he recommended costs $1,999. For that amount of money you may as well go straight into glass fusing with Cherie. So I asked him for a second, more reasonable option and he obliged with a $949 version. The Cricut cutting machine is starting to look like a bargain. I looked on Amazon to see if there are cheaper models and it appears you can buy a very small beginner version for about $200, but I expect Taylor would caution against it because it needs to be perfectly level and a lot of things have to happen at exactly the right moment, sort of like when two people are wrangling a calf. If you want a cheapo version, just search for “3D Extrusion Printer,” because there are several different kinds and that’s the kind you want.

Original Prusa XL Semi-assembled 3D Printer - $1,999.00

Bambu Lab P1S 3D Printer - $949.-00

WEEFUN Tina2S 3D Printer - $204.00

MISCELLANEOUS STUFF

If nothing on this list captured your interest you either have no imagination or very boring friends and family. If either of those are the case, here are some other DIY and “experience” options.

The best place I know of to find really interesting gifts, including DIY kits and experience packages is Uncommon Goods. I mentioned some of their kits in the 2021 List and receive nothing from them for gushing over their products which sucks because I shop there a lot. My son and daughter-in-law loved the Bubble Tea Kit I got for them back then but I couldn’t mention in the blog because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise. As if they read this blog - Hah! Go to uncommongoods.com and type “kits” in the search window and you will get a zillion results from which to choose. Just don’t choose a beer or wine making kit because everyone knows homemade beer and wine ALWAYS suck and you will probably be invited to taste the results in the future.

If you can’t find anything in the “kits” section, change the search to “experiences.” There you will find such intriguing selections as:

Astrology Chart Class - $60

Mindful Organizing - $35

DIY Backyard Bat House - $125

Intro to Tarot Subscription - $100

Aphrodisiac Cooking for Two - $30-90

The last one might pair well with Clone-a-Willy which, I should remind you, is NOT a recommendation on this list.

I stand behind all of my recommendations from previous years, so if you want to review them, here are the links: