The Reply All Debacle
You probably think I am naive to think I can change the world one blog post at a time, but I’ve got a soap box and I’m gonna stand on it. So listen, and listen good.
I can’t tell you how often the subject of “Reply All,” and how annoying it is when it is abused, comes up in my conversations. I’m talking about people who use Reply All to respond to a group email when their reply should only go to the person who sent the email. In the texting world, it includes those who comment on or “like” every text they receive without bothering to consider that 15 members of that text will get notifications as a result of their actions. It seems like everyone has an opinion about it, unless they are members of that offending cohort who find it necessary to share their thoughts with everyone. This post falls somewhere between a public service announcement and a rant. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you must be one of the clueless offenders and you owe it to yourself, as well as to the people whose inboxes you are clogging, to read this carefully in an effort to gain a better understanding of why you are such a nitwit who cannot follow instructions. If you know exactly what I’m talking about, read on and be prepared to shout, Amen Sister! Because sometimes we just gotta blow off some steam and roll our eyes in superiority over the aforementioned nitwits.
We will begin with a pre-test — an assessment tool created to help you understand where you fall on the Clueless Spectrum. Keep track of your answers. Once we have determined just how clueless you are, we will be able to address the underlying causes and offer some advice on how you might stop being so annoying.
QUESTION #1
You receive an email announcing next month’s meeting of your Mahjongg and Margaritas group. It says, “Please reply to me if you plan to attend.” You plan to attend, so you:
A. Reply All, “I’ll be there!!!”
B. Reply All, ”I can’t make it. I’m so bummed.”
C. Reply All, ”What can I bring?”
D. Reply only to the sender, “I plan to attend.”
QUESTION #2
Your pickle ball group is planning a pot luck holiday party. The organizer emails the group, “Please respond to the group indicating what you will be bringing so that we don’t have duplicates.” You plan to attend. You excitedly tap the “Reply All” button and type:
A. “I’ll be there and will figure out what I’m going to bring later.”
B. ”I’m bringing a crudite platter.”
C. ”We are going to the beach. Does anyone have any good beach reading recommendations?”
D. ”WHOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEE”
E. You do not reply
QUESTION #3
You are a member of a group text with 15 members who share an interest in playing tennis. You receive a text that reads, “I’m looking for three players for this Saturday at 10:00. Let me know if you would like to join.” You are not able to play, so you:
A. Reply to the whole group, “Shoot. I wish I could. Please ask me again!”
B. Reply to the whole group, “We will be away.”
C. Reply to the whole group, ”Did you ask Dad? I’m busy.” Then, “Oh oops! Sorry - wrong text!” Then, “This was meant for my daughter who needs a ride home from a friend’s house.” Finally, you tap your first text entry and select “Haha” from the instant emojis.
D. Do not reply.
ANALYSIS
Now let’s analyze each of the scenarios and discuss the right and wrong answers. I find that imagery helps a great deal in situations like these, when it can be so tempting to just click on the Reply All button without giving the details of the request a lot of thought. So before you even think about clicking on that Reply All button, close your eyes and imagine there is an electric cattle prod up your ass. Next, imagine that it will be activated if you use Reply All when you shouldn’t. That’s a powerful image, don’t you think? There are many of you out there who would be popping out of your seats on a daily basis if this were more than just imagery. You know who you are.
Achieving success in knowing when it is okay and not okay to Reply All is about following instructions, so I am showing the key words of the message in bold type. Scoring values appear next to each answer. Add the scores associated with your answers to evaluate your Clueless Quotient.
QUESTION #1
You receive an email announcing next month’s meeting of your Mahjongg and Margaritas group. It says, “Please reply to me if you plan to attend.” You plan to attend, so you:
A. Reply All, “I’ll be there!!!” (Score: 2) Pay attention to what was requested of you. Note that the sender said, “Please reply to me.” If they felt it was useful for you to tell everyone in the group that you are coming, they would have asked you to do so. While you do plan to attend, and are apparently very excited to do so, as implied by the nauseating overuse of exclamation points, no one other than the sender really gives a shit. You just got zapped.
B. Reply All, ”I can’t make it. I’m so bummed.” (Score: 3) If there can be degrees of annoying wrongness, this answer is more wrong than A because, not only did you Reply All, but you did so with information that was not requested. You were not asked to reply if you could NOT attend. You were asked to reply if you CAN attend. If you pay this little attention when you are driving a car, I don’t ever want to ride with you. Zap.
C. Reply All, ”What can I bring?” (Score: 4) Yes, we all think you are so generous and thoughtful to offer to bring something but 1) It is not what was asked of you, 2) You did not answer the question you WERE asked and 3) You had to say it to everyone. Now all the rest of us feel like we, too, must offer to bring something when all we really wanted to do was show up to play mahjongg and drink margaritas. Thanks, pal. Zap, Zap, Zap.
D. Reply only to the sender, “I plan to attend.” (Score: 1) Thank you.
QUESTION #2
Your pickle ball group is planning a pot luck holiday party. The organizer emails the group, “Please respond to the group indicating what you will be bringing so that we don’t have duplicates.”
In this example, the sender is giving you permission to Reply All. Congratulations, you will not be zapped in the ass when you click that button so go right ahead. But we need to review each of the answers to discuss why some of them are still inappropriate for a Reply All scenario, in spite of the fact that you have been given permission to create a group reply.
A. “I’ll be there and will figure out what I’m going to bring later.” (Score: 4) If you chose this answer, you are the worst kind of dipshit. The whole point of the email was for others to see what you are bringing so that they will know not to bring the same thing. Are you thinking you will wait and see what others are bringing and then will decide what to bring based on what is not being brought? Well, you don’t get to do that because if everyone did that you would just wind up with three different kinds of corn pudding. Take responsibility and answer the email with what is being asked, no more and no less.
B. ”I’m bringing a crudite platter.” (Score: 1) Fundamentally, this is the correct answer but, dear god, can’t you think of anything better to bring than a crudite platter? Nobody wants a crudite platter. Instead you should make that good warm chipped beef dip and serve it with Fritos.
C. ”We are going to the beach. Does anyone have any good beach reading recommendations?” (Score: 4) You, my friend, are the devil’s spawn. NEVER co-opt a group email to serve your own purposes, no matter how much you think many others might enjoy the answer to your query. Unless you are in my golf group, the members of which often co-opt a list to recommend a series on Netflix. That is okay, on account of I want to know what’s good to watch. In other words, if it interests me it is okay. Otherwise, no go.
D. ”WHOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEE” (Score 4: unless you are my friend Cary. Cary, Score 1). You remember Cary — She is the techno-maladroit who calls me on a Saturday morning asking me to diagnose what is wrong with her printer over the phone. Cary is allowed to Reply All with this, her favorite exuberant comment, under the little-known Cheerleader Exemption. If your group has a cheerleader they may also be allowed to send mindless Replies To All because they are like dogs sniffing each other’s butts — they just can’t help it. The Cheerleader Exemption is enacted on a case-by-case basis, sort of like deciding whether someone should be allowed more time on a test. (These people probably should).
E. You do not reply. (Score: 4) Not replying when you have specifically been asked to do so is rude. The sender of the email is keeping a spreadsheet of everyone’s replies and you will cause them to send a follow up reminder which is just plain selfish.
QUESTION #3
You are a member of a group text with 15 members who share an interest in playing tennis. You receive a text that reads, “I’m looking for three players for this Saturday at 10:00. Let me know if you would like to join.” You are not able to play, so you:
A.Reply to the whole group, “Shoot. I wish I could. Please ask me again!” (Score: 4) Plug in the cattle prod — you’re going to need it. Group texts can be like an instantaneous and endless Reply All, only worse because they make your watch buzz every time someone adds to the conversation. If only we could send notifications back to the offender via the cattle prod. What did the sender ask for? Let me know if you would like to play. The fact that you feel you have to plead with the sender to please ask you again is a hint that maybe people don’t ask you again because you are a pain in the ass who always answers when you are not expected to do so.
B.Reply to the whole group, “We will be away.” (Score 4) Who gives a shit? Can you play? That’s all I want to know. Er, sorry - all the sender wants to know.
C. Reply to the whole group, ”Did you ask Dad? I’m busy.” Then, “Oh oops! Sorry - wrong text!” Then, “This was meant for my daughter who needs a ride home from a friend’s house.” Finally, you tap your first text entry and select “Haha” from the instant emojis. (Score: 2) Look, everyone makes a mistake every once in a while - even me. When you realize you have done that, it is acceptable to text, “Sorry wrong text,” or some such reply, but then leave it at that. No more comments about who you meant it to go to or further explanations about what a nitwit you know you are.
D. You do not reply. (Score: 1) You are perfect and will remain on my tennis list until I have retired from tennis and am finally forced to play pickle ball.
INTERPRETATION
Add up your scores to see where you fall on the following graph.
Note the subjective interpretation that indicates the direct correlation between how clueless you are and whether people like you. If you scored 3 points, I will be happy to serve on any committee with you. If you scored between 4 and 9 points, you should start paying better attention, but it’s nothing a good cattle prod won’t fix. If you scored 10 or higher, know that it’s people like you who are the reason why others have to send group emails with all the members blind-copied. There is such a thing as self-restraint and you need to learn to use it.
UNACCEPTABLE CONTENT
Now that you have a better understanding of when it is and is not okay to use Reply All, let’s discuss the very irritating habit some people have of not only Replying All in an email, or to everyone in a 15 person group text, but of doing it with arrogant and unnecessary content. All of the examples shown here are from real life (mine) because you can’t make this shit up.
The email I received said: Our quarterly meeting is Thursday at 6:00pm. Please let me know if you cannot attend.
Did it say, Let everyone know if you cannot attend and give everyone a reason why? It did not. Nevertheless I, as a member of that group, received the following emails:
I’m not going to be able to make it this time because two of my children are being inducted into the National Honor Society. This is out and out gloating and it is unacceptable. Would you have written, I’m not going to be able to make it because I have to go bail my son out of jail? Would you have said, My daugher might have a sexually transmitted disease and I need to take her to the doctor? If you wouldn’t have mentioned the second and third example, you shouldn’t mention the first one. So the next time you want to reply to all that you can’t make it because your five-year-old needs to finish reading Little Women and then you have to take her to her Talented and Gifted class to study archeology, ask yourself if you would be giving the group a reason if it was My five-year-old bit her teacher and has been suspended from kindergarten.
I can’t make the meeting because I am teaching a class at the law school that night. Really? Gag me. Obviously you are trying to impress, but you have only made me feel very sleepy just imagining that scenario. I used to teach a church school class in which we did things like make crosses out of popsicle sticks and decorate them with glitter. Would I Reply All with that information? Of course not, because I would not have Replied All in the first place. Because I follow instructions and am not galactically stupid.
I might have to phone in because that’s my day in the O.R. Here’s the thing: He really did phone in. From the O.R. While some poor soul was waking up from goodness knows what procedure. And, of course, he didn’t have the sense to mute the phone, so you are hearing all this clanging and beeping. You know the Hippocratic oath that says, “First, do no harm?” Well, it is a little known fact that it goes on to say, “Second, do not phone into meetings from the O.R., you nitwit.” Zap.
SOLUTIONS
When Replies To All and group texts become like water torture — drip, drip, drip, drip — how can we remove ourselves from the figurative faucet? There are the obvious ways, such as not looking at your emails, which I think must be what my sister Norah does. I looked at her phone the other day and could not help but notice that she had 2,278 emails. I would be willing to bet that 1,139 of them were initiated by a Reply All. It won’t be easy, but together we can fix this debacle. It takes a village. And a thousand points of light. Because Rome wasn’t built in a day and the longest journey begins with a first step. Today is the first day of your life without Reply All. Enough cliches. Here are some ideas:
If you are dealing with a group that you know loves to get chatty while sharing recipes and reading lists through an email that originated with organizing who drives the kids to soccer practice, try going the BCC route. For those of you who don’t know, “BCC” stands for “blind carbon copy,” which shows how long ago people needed to shield recipients from knowing who else was on the mailing list. Do you think that, back in the paper letter days, a person would get out fresh paper, put a stack with carbon paper in the typewriter, type “Hahaha,” then mail it out to eveyone who received the original letter? Of course not (with the obvious exception of Chain Mail which, had it not gone mercifully by the wayside, would be the source of another entire rant).
Speaking of snail mail, here’s a good test you can apply to texts and emails when you are tempted to proclaim nonsense to a whole bunch of people. Ask yourself: Would you write a letter with this message, put a Forever stamp on it (the current value of which is a whopping 68 cents) and mail it? If the answer is no, you don’t need to send an email either. Electronic communication is a convenience, not a license to share your impulsive remarks with the world.
Don’t co-opt messages for your own one-time use. If you need ideas from your friends about what to fix for dinner tonight, start a new thread and only include the people you think will enjoy that conversation. Don’t make the rest of us endure endless off-topic discussions about oysters when we hate oysters because they feel like a phlegm ball stuck in your throat. Often we don’t even know who all those other phone numbers belong to and are only on the text chain to find out who is bringing oranges to soccer on Saturday. I have spent way too much time wondering who in the hell 687-476-0606 and 203-984-3076 are and whether their restaurant recommendations are ones I should follow.
If you are on a text chain of 15 people that has been co-opted 75 different ways, from what’s good on TV to which crock pot is the best one to buy, don’t remove yourself from the group, for that is WAY too passive aggressive. Plus, you wouldn’t be able to see the off-topic conversations that secretly interest you. No one has to know if you just silence your notifications from said group so that you don’t get buzz burns on your wrist from the Apple Watch reminders that come across every time someone “Likes” every suggestion.
Speaking of which, consider whether it is actually necessary or additive to the conversation to put a heart or an exclamation point or a “HaHa” next to every comment in a text chain. If there are just three people on the chain — sure, go ahead. But when there are, say, more than 10 people on a text chain, try to squelch the desire to put a heart next to the message that says, “I have a Breville Toaster oven that I love.” What does that even mean? That you love that they love their Breville Toaster oven? Or that you have and love one as well? Are you convinced that everyone else on the text thread would be truly interested to know that you love it too? I know I love my Breville Toaster oven, but is that really “heart” worthy information?
I have found that clear instructions accompanied by a strong voice (illustrated by ALL CAPS) go a long way in limiting group activites on both emails and texts. Sometimes I begin an email with SEND YOUR REPLY ONLY TO ME, NOT THE WHOLE GROUP. I once sent text messages to two large groups of friends, inviting them to one of my a cappella concerts. It is important to note that I did NOT co-opt an existing message, lest that contaminate the entire focused thread. This could be called a “disposable” text thread and its just a darn shame that there isn’t a self-destruct function that will automatically eliminate the text after 24 hours. Like a modern day Mission Impossible message. Man, that is a good idea. Anyway, after giving the concert information, the text read, “DO NOT reply to this whole group that you’re sorry you can’t make it. Just come or don’t come. NO REPLIES NECESSARY. Here endeth this thread, forever and ever.” And what do you think happened? Not a single person replied. I tell you, it was one of the most stunning victories of my life and the memory of that magical moment when not one person responded in any way still gives me goosebumps. And yes, many of them did attend the concert.
Now go to your inbox and find an email with at least 20 recipients in the To: field. Click Reply All, then copy this url (https://www.youngestsister.com/stuffimake/replyall) and paste it in the message field along with, “Y’all gotta read this. It’s really funny.”