A few of weeks ago I excitedly announced to my husband that I had bought some delicious-looking peaches. “Where are they from?” he asked, and I stupidly answered, “Costco.” For a blissful moment I had forgotten that what he really meant was, “Where were they grown?” You see, Tony knows more about fruit than a normal person should and he has a persnickety penchant for refusing to buy certain types of fruit that weren’t grown in certain areas. I panicked as I tried to think of what state the best peaches are supposed to be from. I had taken them out of the box and put them in a bowl, and then tossed the box in the garbage can outdoors. What were the chances he would actually go to the garbage and inspect the box? I’m not proud of it, but I prepared to lie. “Umm,” I stalled, “Where are they supposed to be from?” Thus began one of his long-winded explanations about how, this time of year, usually all you can get is California peaches which have absolutely no flavor, and he didn't think they could be from Georgia, but they might be from South Carolina, although it was doubtful, but if they were South Carolina peaches they would be alright. “They are South Carolina peaches,” I happily declared. But he replied, “Not if you got them from Costco. They only have California peaches.” Shit. Busted again. So then I started on one of my long-winded replies that maybe California peaches have gotten to be good since the last time you tried them because how long has it been since you had a California peach anyway? Suffice it to say that a lot of energy goes into talking about fruit origins in my house, so I thought I may as well share this knowledge with you, loyal readers. Not everyone gets to live with a bona fide Fruit Nazi.

PEACHES

They don't call it the Peach State for nothing.

Georgia peaches are best, which is obvious to anyone who has ever seen a Georgia license plate. You don’t call yourself the Peach State for nothing. South Carolina peaches are also okay, and I’m guessing that’s because South Carolina is right there next to Georgia and the climate and the soil couldn’t possibly know where the line that determines whether a peach tree is in Georgia or South Carolina is drawn. I don’t know about North Carolina peaches, but can offer first-hand knowledge about Virginia peaches because my friend Karen has her very own tree. Her peaches are delicious, and even Tony says so. But having your own peach trees can be burdensome because you feel guilty if you just let them fall off the tree and rot, so you have to give them to your friends and put up jars and jars of peach preserves and chutney and make and freeze 8 peach pies and make peach ice cream until finally you start to feel sick at the sight of peaches. California peaches are unacceptable because they only grow peaches because the climate is right. Apparently they don't have the soil and the other peach mojo that makes them taste good.

STRAWBERRIES

Strawberries can come from anywhere but California. Do not be taken in by California strawberries that smell good. They have been engineered to look beautiful and smell delicious but, in reality, they are completely void of flavor.

BLUEBERRIES

I do not recommend trying to buy blueberries because blueberries are very complicated. But if you insist, I’ll do my best to explain the blueberry rules. You may purchase blueberries grown in Georgia, Florida and Alabama, for they will be tasty and enjoyable. Those are called "rabbit eyes." Never buy blueberries grown in New Jersey, New York or Michigan, for they are like purple toothpaste and have no flavor. They are “pie berries” and do not deserve a spot on your refrigerator shelf. I’m sure those Californians must grow blueberries, since they grow everything else, but I am equally sure their berries are no damn good. Tony also says Maine blueberries are pie berries because it is all about the climate up north, but he is wrong about that, as anyone who has eaten my sister Janelle's blueberry cake made with little wild Maine blueberries knows.

BANANAS

Oy, with the bananas. Dole bananas are the best because of their farming methods. Do not buy Chiquita or Turbana because they are low-rent, school cafeteria bananas. Of course, the biggest problem with bananas is that they have those darned identifying stickers on them, so if you ever do buy Chiquita or Turbana bananas, be sure to remove the stickers before the Fruit Nazi sees them. The problem is, the Fruit Nazi will eventually recognize that, if there are no stickers on the bananas, you must have bought the wrong ones and have removed the stickers to hide that fact. So then you’re busted again. My advice: Let them that eats the bananas buy the bananas.

MANGOES

I am the one who peels and cuts the mangoes in my house and recently I noticed that the mangoes I am preparing these days are very nice and firm, not too hairy around the pit, and quite tasty. I mentioned this experiential fact to Tony and received the following explanation: This time of year they are probably Tommy Atkins, but they might be Kent or Haden, all of which are good. The best mangoes come from Mexico. The ones from Peru and Israel are a no-go. BTW, the preferred plural of mango is mangoes but mangos is also acceptable according to the Oxford and Webster’s dictionaries. Which is a good thing since the box Tony bought the other day says mangos. Your spell-checker will also accept mangos, but mangoes is preferred. When you write about mangoes as often as I do, these things are important.

PLUOTS

A pluot is an engineered fruit that is genetically 25% apricot and 75% plum. It is a man-made fruit, invented by a biologist named Floyd Zaiger in the late 20th century. I find this very freaky and am frankly quite surprised that the Fruit Nazi will have anything to do with them but he loves them. The good news is that I don’t think he has a clue where they are grown and that is cause for celebration. Because if he knew that Zaiger did his fruit-breeding in Modesto, California it might be a show-stopper for the pluot in our house. BTW, spell-checkers do not like the word, pluot.

CLEMENTINES

Why is it that clementines are only available by the case? Do not buy them unless you have a very large family because they will just go bad before you can eat them. Hang out with people who buy clementines and they will give them to you because they can't eat them all either. Wouldn't you think that, if Kroger can sell celery by the spear, they could figure out how to sell individual clementines?

PEARS

I am the pear aficionado in the family and can tell you that you should not try to buy pears in a store because it is impossible to pick a good pear. They are either too hard or too mealy and the experience when you get them home and bite into one will likely end in disappointment. The world’s greatest pear is the Royal Riviera pear from Harry and David’s. You just order them and they are delivered to your door. And if you talk about how fantastic they are to everyone you know, you will receive enough at Christmas time to last into the new year. Wrap in foil and refrigerate for longer shelf life.

CANTALOUPES

The Fruit Nazi is not into melons but Our Ladies of the Deep End are. Karen has a time-honored method for testing a cantaloupe for ripeness that involves pressing on the stem end to see if it “gives.” But I’m wondering if she will ever touch another cantaloupe when she finds out that the surface of a cantaloupe can be covered in Salmonella. My sister Janelle once told my sister Norah and me that we should always wash the outside of a melon before eating it. We said that is ridiculous and laughed at her because, being from California, she often expresses paranoid ideas of that ilk. Well, it turns out this one isn’t that paranoid: A worldwide search in the 1940’s found the highest yielding strain of mold for penicillin production in a moldy cantaloupe in Peoria, Illinois. Not good for the melon business.

WATERMELONS

“What ever happened to those 20-pound watermelons of our childhoods?” asked Our Ladies of the Deep End. Floyd Zaiger would probably know. Watermelons have been hybridized and cross-bred to make them smaller and seedless but, while they fit better in your refrigerator, we kind of miss seeing who can spit the black seeds out the farthest. Susan says that, in Japan, they grow watermelons in boxes so they wind up shaped like a cube. I’m sure they fit well in the fridge but something about a square watermelon is just disturbing. If you want to know how to pick the perfect watermelon, visit watermelon.org. Watermelons have a pretty impressive lobby and a kick-ass website, which is more than you can say for the pluot, the pear, or the poor, bacteria-laden cantaloupe.

HONEYDEWS

The last time I had a tasty honeydew melon was in 1988. This pathetic member of the melon family is so flavorless as to be suitable only for decoration. Since no one will be actually eating it, it doesn't matter where it was grown - even California is fine. But if you do use a honeydew for garnish, wash it first because honeydews look an awful lot like cantaloupes on the outside.

In conducting my scientific research for this post I talked to a lot of friends who have Fruit Nazis for husbands, so I have determined that fruit persnicketiness is linked to the Y chromosome. If you have information to the contrary I would love to hear it. Please post your research findings or questions for the Fruit Nazi below knowing that, as always, this advice is worth what you paid for it.

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How to buy fruit - Lessons from the Fruit Nazi