How to use "lie" and "lay" correctly

I saw a fitness post on Instagram the other day. It showed photos of an exercise being performed and included instructions that began with, “Lay on your side.” If reading that sentence sent a shiver up your spine and made your right eye twitch, you are excused from reading the rest of this post, but I expect you will read on if for no other reason than to wallow in the joy of feeling superior. But if, after reading that sentence, you simply wanted to know what the next exercise move was, please put on your thinking cap and prepare to concentrate. It is never too late to learn and it is never okay to keep doing the wrong thing because others do it too. Why, just this morning, the Ladies of the Deep End (a pair of anal grammarians) jumped all over me for saying badly when I should have said bad. It made me feel bad but I will not behave badly when using “bad” in the future. Because I am a grammatical bad-ass.

Let’s start with this lie vs. lay thing, because it’s really not difficult. Lay means to put something down. Lay requires a direct object, as in “Lay your cards on the table.” Lie means to rest in a horizontal position and does not require a direct object, as in “Lie on the floor.” I believe that people learn best through relevant scenarios, so following are different occupational examples of when to use lay and lie.

FITNESS, YOGA AND PERSONAL TRAINERS

If you are in a fitness field, like my daughter/blog coach, who is also an art director and part-time personal trainer, the solution is simple: Don’t say lay at all. Ever. Just eliminate it from your vocabulary. When in doubt, say lie. Examples: “Lie down on the mat.” “Lie on your side.” “Lie face down.” “Lie face up with your feet in the air.” Isn’t that simple? Every time you tell someone to put their body on the floor, whether it’s on a mat, or directly on the floor, face up, or face down, say lie. What if you want them to position themselves on a Bosu or exercise ball? The same rule applies. “Lie across the Bosu.” “Lie with the small of your back pressed against the ball.” What if you want them to hang over the ball, face down? “Lie face down, with your stomach on the ball.” Isn’t that amazing? Every single time it is the same. So if you are in fitness and are about to say lay, just don't.

PET OWNERS

It is NOT okay to compromise grammatical rules just because you are speaking to an animal. My three Jack Russell Terriers are extremely sensitive to correct grammar usage. If I were to command any of them to lay down, they would look at me as if I had said, “Lassie! What is it? Did Timmy fall in the well?” That’s because none of them are named Lassie, and they don’t know who the hell Timmy is so they would just look at me quizzically, with their heads tilted adorably. As soon as I say lie down, they hit the deck. Observe illustrations below.

"Lay down, dogs!"

"Lie down, dogs!"

SONGWRITERS

I personally think it is tragic that songwriters so often find it necessary to use “lay” when “lie” would be the appropriate verb. It should come as no surprise that lay is an easy word to rhyme. Lay is a regular rhyming slut. Think about it: away, bay, day, gay, gray, hay, pay, pray, say, stay, way, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Compare those with cold rhymes of lie – bye, die, my, nigh, sigh, rye. Lie is such a frigid rhymer, it’s no wonder Bob Dylan went to the grammatical dark side in “Lay Lady Lay” and Eric Clapton in “Lay Down Sally.”

I have to admit I was excited the first time I heard Tony Toni Toné sing “Lay your head on my pillow.” But then halfway through the song they messed it up with the jarring invitation, “won’t you pull back the sheets and lay down.” I cringed. It was like hearing fingernails on a blackboard and I hadn’t even recovered by the time they sang, “You’re the girl that knows my pleasure/So let me go down and find my treasure/Let me see where my pearl is AT.” Oh, Tony Toni Toné. Would it really have been so hard to stop with, “Let me see where my pearl IS?” I don’t care if Justin Timberlake jumped in my bed and said, “pull back the sheets and lay down, let me see where my pearl is at,” I would have to pass. It’s hard to feel passion when you can’t stop diagramming sentences in your head.

FARMERS

I know I took a risk above, telling the fitness set to completely eliminate lay from their vocabulary. You know there is an exception to every rule, so here it is: If you are a fitness instructor who works or lives on a farm, you may occasionally say lay. Remember, lay means to put something down. So you farming fitness instructors may say lay when referring to what your hens do with eggs, because the eggs are the direct object. If you follow that rule, the only appropriate way to use lay when you are instructing me is to say, "Lay your ass down on the mat." And that would earn my respect.

MEMORY TRICK

Who can forget the O.J. Simpson defense team's rhyme, “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit?” Rhymes can be helpful, so I worked hard and came up with this one to help you remember what you just learned: 

When sending someone to the floor
Here’s a rule you can’t ignore:
Always use the form, “Lie down.”
Otherwise you just sound stupid.

Isn't that clever? Hope it helps!

Now, what are your grammatical pet peeves?