Lessons Learned in the Deep End
You're probably thinking the “deep end” is a metaphorical reference to times when I have been "in over my head," and forced to "sink or swim." Like when I was 22 in my first job at a big consulting firm in Washington, D.C. and my boss sent me to a NASA facility in Cleveland, Ohio to do a requirements study in which I interviewed senior NASA executives about technology. While I’m not ready to take responsibility for the Challenger tragedy, it scares me to imagine that anyone might have relied on my analysis to make decisions about the future of the space program. That might actually be a better example of when I was in deep shit than when I was thrown in the deep end of the pool, but I’m not talking about that kind of metaphorical deep end anyway, so it doesn't matter. I’m talking about the deep end of the club pool where I go aqua jogging most mornings with other intelligent, pragmatic women. We put on sunscreen, sunglasses and caps (and some even put on shirts and gloves), then strap on various floatation and resistance devices before slipping into the deep end of the pool where we jog and cross-country ski and pump our arms for about 90 minutes. We have to swim in the deep end because all but one of the swim lanes are occupied by the prepubescent members of the swim team who look at us with a peculiar fascination, as if we are a family of otters behind glass, building an underwater city out of mud and sticks. We don’t care because we are too busy exercising and chatting and solving the problems of the world. This is how people used to share knowledge, before Google and Wikipedia, and I am more than happy to share some of these nuggets of wisdom with you, my loyal readers.
Our Ladies of the Deep End
The various floatation and resistance devices I use.
THE BREVILLE CONVECTION TOASTER OVEN
Why wait around for your big wall oven to preheat when you can cook almost anything in the Breville Smart Oven Pro Convection Toaster Oven? Karen and I each have one of these and we lustfully discuss what we cook in it almost daily in front of Susan, who does not have one but wishes she did. You can bake cookies, casseroles, pizzas – anything that will fit – while heating the plates on top of this countertop gem. Mine broke once and Breville sent me a new one, no questions asked. Accept no substitutions - no Kitchenaid, Cuisinart or Black & Decker. I told you this was good stuff. Read on.
ANCIENT GREEK STATUES
Ancient Greek statues were originally painted! Karen presented us with this stunning fact one morning, declaring that scientists have been able to prove that many of the marble statues we have come to love were actually painted, back in the day. It’s one of those things that you would just as soon they had never discovered, because the statues look a whole lot better without paint. But in the interest of full-disclosure and the betterment of all my readers, I thought you should know this.
https://www.quora.com/Why-do-people-put-white-sunblock-on-their-nose
SUNSCREEN VS. SUNBLOCK
They are not the same thing. Sunblock prevents UVB rays from ever reaching the skin. Sunscreen protects against UVA rays. The “A” in UVA stands for “Aging.” The “B” in UVB stands for “Burning.” Sunblock is usually mostly Zinc oxide and it works because it is a physical barrier that is white and opaque. Think of that nerd from high school who always had the solid white nose. Chances are that nerd doesn’t have skin cancer today, at least not on his nose. Sunscreens are chemical and they filter the rays that can reach your skin. That’s why they’re called sunscreens.
TRANSUBSTANTIATION
No lie - we have some heavy conversation in the deep end. Karen and Susan are both life-long Catholics, so they are major sources of information about topics I find fascinating. I love to quiz Catholics about how much they really obey all the rules, whether they really go to confession and, if they do, what do they say? And how does saying 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers make everything okay? Oh, how I wish I had been Catholic when I was a teenager. So I was riveted the morning they tried to explain transubstantiation to me. Basically, it means that, when the priest prays over the bread and wine during the sacrament of Eucharist, they believe it really turns into the body and blood of Jesus. This wigs me out a little because I’m thinking that, if I were to drink blood and eat a piece of someone’s body, I would probably know it.
CANDY CRUSH
No one ever hits the Jackpot on the Daily Spin in Candy Crush. No one. Ever.
SPATCHCOCKED CHICKEN
This is when you split the chicken up the backbone, then violently open it up, cracking its breast and laying it out flat. You cook it that way on the grill and it is delicious and could make wonderful leftovers, if only your husband didn't forget to put it in the refrigerator and then, the next day, insist you throw it out because you might get salmonella poisoning from it.
HOW LONG CAN FOOD BE LEFT OUT?
Cooked food left unrefrigerated can only be safely ingested if eaten within 2 Hours. Darn. Don’t you hate it when the husband is right?
Admit it: when you look at this it makes you try to assume that pose too.
http://www.seriouseats.com/2017/01/the-food-lab-how-to-roast-a-butterflied-spatchcocked-chicken.html
THE TUGLESS TANK
Buying a bathing suit is complicated because there are so many choices of leg openings, backs and necks, and don't even get me started over the advantages and disadvantages of lined, shelf or soft cup bras. I really wanted a second bathing suit because there is nothing grosser than putting on a bathing suit that is still damp from the day before, so I ordered this Speedo suit from Amazon. I know you are all laughing because you could tell that the leg openings are too high and the back is too low and maybe, if you are a visual-thinker, you can even imagine the rolls of fat that squirted out around each of those little straps in the back. I think this suit looks lovely on the model but, for me, it was an aquatic disaster.
The Speedo Suit from Amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01IRKULX0/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
The Tugless Tank from Lands End.
https://www.landsend.com/products/womens-tugless-one-piece-swimsuit/id_192574?sku_0=::BLA
Enter the Tugless Tank from LandsEnd. Susan wears this suit every day and was able to demonstrate the sensibility of its construction vis a vis the leg openings, back depth and shelf bra to my satisfaction. I am under no illusion that when I put my new Tugless Tank on I will resemble the model shown above, but I do hope I won't frighten the young people on the swimteam.
Disclaimer: The content in this post has not been verified and is probably not accurate. No efforts have been made to verify the validity of the claims made in this post and neither the writer nor the other subjects in the swimming pool can be held responsible for anything bad that might happen to you as a result of using a toaster oven, sunscreen, sunblock or spatchcocking a chicken. No Catholics were physically harmed in the writing of this post. Candy Crush is the creation of King.com and only they would know whether anyone has ever actually landed on the Jackpot on the daily spin. You won't look anything like the model in the picture if you wear the Tugless Tank either. As always, this advice is worth precisely what you paid for it.
QUESTIONS? CONUNDRUMS?
If there is a situation you would like Our Ladies of the Deep End to ponder, just let me know via the Comments field below. Our advice is at least as accurate as a Magic 8 Ball.