What is it with men who stop shaving when they travel? That was the opener to a major facial hair discussion amongst Our Ladies of the Deep End this morning. It all started when Susan mentioned that Michael had recently returned from his trip to China sporting a beard. Seeing him with a beard is nothing new for Susan – she says he has been bearded on and off throughout their marriage. Which does she like better – bearded or beardless? She said it doesn’t matter to her either way, but Michael came home yesterday to report that three people had said they liked it, including Debbie who sells Michael coffee every morning at the Shell station. I don’t know which makes me feel more jealous: the fact that he can change his appearance so easily without involving a hair dresser or a plastic surgeon, or that he frequents a place where people care enough to notice and comment on the change.

Why do men grow beards? Maybe the better question to ask is Why do men shave? And if they do shave every day, why do they suddenly stop shaving when they go on vacation? The answers are complicated and multi-faceted and, as always, so is my research. There are two logical reasons why men stop shaving on vacation. 1) They are feeling lazy and are taking a break from shaving and 2) They are trying to get through that awkward stage between not having a beard and having a beard before anyone sees them and asks if they are growing a beard. Because if you are growing a beard and no one notices, you're in trouble.

THE 3-DAY BEARD

As soon as I got home this morning I had the great fortune to encounter two perfect research subjects in my own driveway. We have a construction project going on right now and it is a hot bed for men’s facial hair fashions. Matt, our architect, always seems to have a 3 day growth of facial hair, which is one of those looks that is meant to appear like it is not a look but, trust me, it is definitely a look. I don't know whether you remember when the 3-day beard became a thing, but I do. Sonny Crockett (aka Don Johnson) started it on Miami Vice, which means the 3-day beard look was born in 1984.

Susan and I both think the 3-day beard look is pretty hot. Karen doesn’t like it so much, but I think she is talking more about how it feels than how it looks. And she’s right – the 3-day beard feels a little rough on the receiving end. So the question is whether its visual aesthetic is sufficient to outweigh its sensorial drawbacks. For a look that is apparently meant to make you appear to be a guy who just rolled out of bed and didn’t have time to shave, the 3-day beard is pretty high maintenance, but there are tons of websites out there to help you out. OneHowTo declares that, “as a general rule, you should wait at least 4-5 days” to create your 3-day beard. Which begs the question, why isn't it called a 4-5 day beard? The answer is, because the 3-day beard is a sign of virility and masculinity and is meant to demonstrate that you have so much testosterone coursing through your veins that you have a 5 o'clock shadow by noon. So I asked Matt the architect how he manages his scruffy look and he said he hadn’t shaved since yesterday and that he just needs to get up a little earlier. That's right - the old I just rolled out of bed story. Pass the testosterone.

THE TOO-LAZY-TO-SHAVE BEARD

The go-to look when grooming is a low priority.

I have challenged many men over the years to confess that the reason why they have beards is because they are too lazy to shave and Scott, our contractor, is the first one to ever admit that it’s true. He says he has had a beard since he left the Navy and I think that might have been about 40 years ago. Most men with beards will tell you that maintaining a beard is as much work as shaving, so I asked Scott how often he trims his. “Whenever my wife makes me,” was his refreshingly honest reply. One can only imagine that, were it not for his wife, Scott would look like the character Leonardo DiCaprio played in The Revenant. While I couldn’t bear to watch that movie, I do appreciate the fact that the actors weren’t all clean-shaven. Doesn’t it drive you nuts when movies depict cowboys and men out in the wilderness as clean-shaven?

"Sorry I'm late - I had to shave. And iron my neckerchief."

THE MUSTACHE

My best guess is that the mustache was invented because shaving the upper lip is tricky business. Back when I worked as Registered Nurse I used to have to shave my elderly male patients as a part of their AM care, so I know more than a little bit about this. It is really hard to shave an upper lip when the person can’t flex it to make it straight and stiff, so if you can’t flex that upper lip you ought not be shaving it. I am quite sure this is the genesis of the mustache or moustache, which is the preferred spelling everywhere except the U.S. Our Ladies of the Deep End are in agreement that mustaches are pretty stupid, yet when Karen met Bryan he had one and she married him anyway. All through their courtship he had a mustache, then they get married and what does he do? Shaves it off on the honeymoon. She says they were in Ireland and he suddenly walked out of the bathroom sporting a big bare upper lip. If you have ever known someone who you have never seen without facial hair and then suddenly they shave it off, you know how weird that is. They look like an alien-occupied version of themself with that skin that hasn't seen the light of day in a while. All too often you can instantly recognize the reason why they had that facial hair in the first place. Read on.

THE MASKING BEARD

It’s okay to be suspicious of men with facial hair, because there is a good chance they're hiding something. If a man denies the fact that he has facial hair because he is too lazy to shave, odds are that he has a weird facial feature that he is trying to cover up. If you don't believe me, just open up a browser and search for “beard hide weird face” and you will find all sorts of recommendations on how to shave away years, hide a double chin, strengthen a weak chin or cover up the fact that you are just plain ugly. Remember the song I wrote for Caitlin and John? The best line from that song was “Most have never seen what’s underneath that beard/But I’d bet a hundred dollars he looks pretty weird/Cuz why else would a guy full of charm and grace/Go to so much trouble just to hide his face/Like John?” People laughed so much I had to pause the singing, so it’s obvious everyone agrees with me.

THE MATURATION BEARD

My son Taylor has a beard and I, like most mothers whose sons have beards, yearn to see him without it. For him it is an image thing, because Taylor thinks he looks really young without the beard. I disagree. You be the judge:

THE TOILET BEARD MYTH

I remember reading something a couple of years ago that said beards have more bacteria than a toilet seat. Apparently microbiologists in Albuquerque analyzed men’s beards to arrive at this conclusion, but there are a number of other articles on the worldwide web that debunk the study, claiming that it is not scientific. Fortunately, you can rely on me to do the scientific research for you. I discovered that there is a guy called The Beard Baron who has a whole series of videos about beards on YouTube, including one that advises men with beards to just wash their hands after using the toilet. It’s that simple. I’m not knocking it - the video has 43,928 views, which is about 43,900 more than any of my videos have. But it will make you think twice the next time you see a man stroking his bearded face as he leaves a bathroom.

Karen says she has heard that beards can have yeast infections and it turns out she is right, which is no surprise to Our Ladies of the Deep End. It is called Tinea Barbae, also known as beard fungus or barber’s itch. I don’t care how funny looking you are underneath that beard, these images are enough to make you want to shave it off.

DISCUSSION QUESIONS:

Do you or someone you love have a beard?

What are you/they trying to hide?

Has it been so long that you/they can't even remember why you/they grew it in the first place?

What's the scariest thing you have ever found in your/their beard?

Would you still have a beard if you worked in food service and had to wear a hair net over it?

Do you think Taylor looks older with a beard?

Enter your thoughts below or send an email to youngestsisterblog@gmail.com. And for gosh sake, share this post on Facebook and send a link to your friends because I think it's pathetic that the Beard Baron has 43,000 more followers than I do.

What's up with beards?