Sams v Costco

Last week I went to Sam’s Club to get a flu shot. I am not the regular Sam’s Club shopper in the family, so going to Sam’s is sort of an adventure for me. I haven’t been to Sam’s in a while, so I decided I would go up and down every aisle to find out what I have been missing. I thought maybe I would find some wonderful new products that I didn’t even know existed. Well, one thing led to another and I eventually became curious about the differences in Sam’s and Costco, and why people choose one over the other. Knowing you are all as curious about these things as I am, I decided to do one of my scientific studies to determine why people prefer one over the other. This study took me so long that, when I pulled into the driveway, Tony said he was about to send me a “proof of life” request. That’s what we do when the other one is AWOL much longer than expected, only we are just looking for an answer back, not a severed finger or ear, or a photo taken with today’s newspaper. It’s from the movie, “Proof of Life,” from 2000 which we have seen about a dozen times. It stars Russell Crow, whom I can tolerate in this particular role, as opposed to his stint as Javert in Les Miserables which I cannot bear to watch. The only good part is when he dies. “Proof of Life” also stars Meg Ryan before she ruined her adorableness with terrible plastic surgery. It’s a good movie but according to Just Watch it’s not available for free anywhere right now. If you haven’t downloaded that app yet, you should. It remains one of my favorite apps of all time.

Do you remember back when my daughter/blog coach Lawler gave me shit about my tangential writing? What was that all about?

WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BEEF JERKY?

Anyway, when I was at Sam’s getting my flu shot I could not help but notice the massive quantities of beef jerky. There was — no lie — an entire aisle made up of nothing but beef jerky. Different flavors, styles, sizes. You would think it was a hunting store. What is it with jerky these days? I was under the impression that jerky was a redneck treat, but my daughter Lawler (aka, the Ultimate Millennial) eats jerky, so I know it must be cool. If you google “why is jerky so popular” here’s what you will find out: it is a low fat, high protein snack that travels well. It is a good source of vitamins and minerals, including zinc, iron and vitamin B12. But let’s not talk about the sodium part, because one serving provides 22% of your daily sodium allowance. Jerky is such a thing, I expect to be including in this year’s Millennial Gift List. Speaking of which, if you have any ideas, please send them on to youngestsisterblog@gmail.com.

Since I’m pretty sure you are all thinking I gotta get me some jerky right about now, I made a gallery to help you with your shopping.

If the truth in advertising people go to inspect Sam’s, the folks at Hillshire Farm will be in a world of trouble, because this sausage loaf, while impressive, is nowhere near a yard long. Maybe you are supposed to cut it into thirds lengthwise and lay them end to end? This is advertised as “America’s favorite summer sausage,” which is sort of like saying Claxton makes America’s favorite fruitcake. Favorite compared to what?

BIG MAMA PICKLED SAUSAGE (2.4 oz. 12 pk) $14.98

As if they could read my mind, the makers of Big Mama Pickled Sausages answer the question, “What exactly are pickled sausages?” as follows: “Pickled sausages are generally made from ground pork, chicken or beef. Spices, other flavorings and salt are added to ensure the mouthwatering, tasty signature flavors. The sausages are soaked in a salty brine for several days, then wrapped in a casing which gives them a fun crunching or popping sound when you bite into them. Pickling creates an environment safe from the growth of food pathogens and is a process that can be used to ensure the sausages are safe for storage and eating.” I don’t know about you, but I have always been suspicious of foods that never go bad and am equally skeptical about those crunching and popping casings.

Member’s Mark Beef Steak Strips (12 oz) $11.58

Sam’s Club has it’s finger on the pulse of its customers and knows a trend when it sees one, so they now sell steak jerky under their own Member’s Mark brand. This jerky is “made with 100% premium thick-cut beef and naturally smoked to perfection.” Frankly, I can think of much better things to do with 100% premium thick-cut beef.

Jack Link’s Variety Pack (1.25 oz, 9 ct) $15.98

Jack Link’s Original Beef Jerky (16 oz.) $15.88

Jack Link’s Teriyaki Beef Jerky (16 oz) $15.88

Jack Link’s Sweet and Hot Jerky (16 oz) $15.88

Jack Link’s Meat Snacks has cornered the market on beef jerky with a variety of compelling flavors and styles, all of which you can pick up at your local Sam’s Club. It seems people are quite passionate about their favorite jerky, and excitedly post reviews on the different flavors on the Sam’s website. Why, just yesterday, Summer gave Jack Link’s a 5 star rating and stated it’s why she shops at Sam’s Club. Considering it costs $45 a year to belong to Sam’s I reckon Summer really likes jerky.

If you had any doubts about who the main audience for jerky is, you need only read Country Archer’s description of its grass-fed beef stick minis: “Certified Keto, Certified Paleo, Certified Gluten-Free, Whole 30 Diet Compliant.” Most people my age haven’t got a clue what any of that means. For jerky lovers with discerning taste, this might as well be stamped, “Millennial Tested and Approved.” Go straight to the Country Archer website to skip the Sam’s membership requirement and get it auto delivered to your door every month. I wonder if Summer knows about that?

DIPS-PALOOZA

It seems that, when Sam’s shoppers are not eating jerky, they turn to dips. You’ll find the old favorites like hummus and salsa, along with intriguing new arrivals like Buffalo Chicken Dip, Slow Cooker Sausage and Cheese Dip, and Fried Pickle and Ranch Dip. I found it peculiar that, juxtaposed right under the Slow Cooker Sausage and Cheese Dip, was a case full of Chicken Tonkotsu Miso Ramen kits. I was under the impression that successful marketers position things together to encourage sales, piggy-backing one item on another that the purchaser would probably also like. I find it highly unlikely that someone who would enjoy miso ramen would also chow down on Slow Cooker Sausage and Cheese Dip. To be perfectly honest, I find it unlikely that someone who would shop at Sam’s would enjoy miso ramen. It’s just not that kind of store, if you know what I mean.

SPICES AND SEASONINGS

Another display that caught my eye was an extraordinary array of spices and seasonings. Sure, they have the usual garlic salt and lemon pepper, but I was much more interested in the Cinnamon Toast Crunch “Cinnadust” and the Snickers Shakers (Limited Time Offer). These are part of a trend I have noticed in which companies repackage leftover byproducts of the main product to make it like it is something special. So here they are taking all the sugar stuff that winds up on the factory floor and putting it in a bottle to make it look like something special they had planned. See also Snyder’s Pretzel Pieces (aka broken pretzels) and Seasoned Beef Brisket Burnt Ends. Seriously? Burnt ends? Also available at Sam’s for just $24.58. Would you like some dip to go with your burnt beef brisket ends?

THE COSTCO EXPERIENCE

When my mind was sufficiently blown by the Sam’s inventory, I hopped in the car and went directly to Costco.

I noticed the first difference between Sam’s and Costco as I walked in the door: Costco requires you to show your membership card to enter, whereas Sam’s Club does not. Who do they think they are? Studio 54? A lot of good it does to flash your card from 10 feet away. It could easily be a fake ID. Besides, you can’t check out without using the card, so what’s the big deal? Are they afraid people are going to go in there just to see what they have and then blog about it? How ridiculous.

The first thing I see after I show my Costco card to the greeter-cum-bouncer at the door is a Fender guitar. For just $179.99 you can get a Fender acoustic guitar with accessories in a box labelled, “Everything you need to play guitar.” I guarantee this is a truth in advertising violation because the one thing you really need to play guitar is talent and there’s none of that in that little box. If you are going to buy a guitar, do not get it at Costco. Support a local reputable musical instrument dealer.

You want to hear a story about when I got my first steel string guitar? It was Christmas when I was 16. There was a big box under the tree labelled, “To Mark - Love, Kitty.” Mark was my father, Kitty was my mother. Momma wouldn’t tell any of us what it was. I had decided it must be a rocking chair, because that’s about how big the box was. I guess when I was 16 it made perfect sense that my mother would give my father a rocking chair. Everything had been opened except that box, and finally Momma told Daddy he could open it. He tore off the paper and looked down inside. He said, “I’ll be darned,” but wouldn’t say what it was yet. Well, I was such a curious kid they knew exactly what would happen next. I had to stand up and look down in the box myself. It was a guitar. I was just so puzzled as to why Momma would get Daddy a guitar, that it took me a while to figure out that the guitar was for me. It was a good way to throw an impossibly curious kid off the scent. It is still my favorite guitar, and I was to play it for hundreds of hours in my bedroom instead of doing homework, so I think it was money well spent. And it certainly was not spent at Costco.

Here is a picture of when I first opened the case. You can see the big box it came out of standing behind where I am sitting. Yes, I have a black eye, which was totally unrelated to the guitar gifting incident.

DOG FOOD

Costco is the place to go if you care at least as much about your dog as you do your children. They sell refrigerated dog food that is “freshly made - no preservatives.” What I said before about being suspicious of food that doesn’t go bad does not apply to dog food. In our house, dog food comes in a 50 pound bag that costs about the same as 6 pounds of the Freshpet grain free complete meal kits they sell at Costco. My dogs eat so fast they couldn’t tell the difference in kibble and 100% premium steak jerky. I have a hunch that gourmet refrigerated dog food would not go over as well at Sam’s as it does at Costco. People who shop at Sam’s feed their dogs leftover hotdogs and pizza.

INTERNATIONAL FLAIR V. COUNTRY CHARM

I hate running into people I know at the grocery store. It is just such a waste of time having to duck down the lightbulb aisle to avoid having to blabber meaningless niceties with someone I probably don’t even care for. At Costco, it is very likely I will run into someone I know, so I really have to be on the alert. I try to avoid eye contact with all people, thereby making it impossible that I will make eye contact with someone I know. You see, Costco is where the cool people go, and I happen to know a lot of cool people. Here is an SAT-worthy analogy: Costco is to cool people as Sam’s Club is to country people.

Costco has way snazzier hors d’ouevres than Sam’s, unless you are planning to serve Hot Pockets, White Castle sliders, mini corn dogs and beef jerky. Costco has more of an international flair, both in the products it sells and in its staff. It is 100% guaranteed that the person who checks you out at Costco will not call you “honey,” whereas at Sam’s Club there is a better than 75% chance that they will. Unless they call you “sweetie.” It is not something you would report to Human Resources — they don’t mean it that way. They’re just being friendly. If you are the kind of person who is offended by someone calling you “honey” or “sweetie,” you should definitely not shop at Sam’s Club. If you are the kind of person who likes it when someone condescendingly assumes you do not have sense to use the self-checkout unassisted, Costco is for you. They installed self-checkout stations and then manned each one with a checkout person to take your card and scan it for you, then scan each of your items and hand you the receipt. I probably don’t need to tell you how well this went over with me. By the way, trying to have a conversation with a Costco checkout clerk about how moronic that whole scene is, is a complete waste of time.

Whether you shop at Sam’s or Costco, two things are constant: No one will bag your groceries and someone will perform a visual frisk on you and your purchases before you can leave. Ironically, at Sam’s, where the country hicks work and shop, the process is electronic and pretty darned sophisticated. You hand them your phone, if you checked out useing Scan and Go (which is not even available at Costco), or your receipt if you checked yourself out without even being assisted by a condescending little twit. They scan the receipt then randomly scan three of the items in your cart. If everything jives they let you go with a friendly, “You have a nice day now, hear?” At Costco a highly trained clerk stands at the exit, and you hand them your paper receipt which they begin to study. Then they search your purchases whilst pantomiming carefully counting your purchases and reviewing all with a discerning eye. When they are satisfied you aren’t trying to skip out without paying for their crappy black laminated Fender acoustic guitar (all you add is talent) they sweep their highlighter across the receipt so you can’t try to use it again. Very scientific.

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER

If Summer joined Sam’s Club just to buy jerky, I guess we belong just because of the rotisserie chickens. Sam’s and Costco both have rotisserie chickens and both price them for far less than it would cost you to buy a chicken and cook it yourself. I can’t remember the last time I roasted a chicken. When Tony brings home a rotisserie chicken I always yank the wings off and eat them while they are still warm. I recommend you do this too because they are much better warm than cold. Same with bacon, which I also eat warm. Unless it’s on a BLT.

I always thought the big box stores’ rotisserie chickens must be loss leaders, like Sheetz selling gas for less than it costs them just to get people to stop there (only not anymore because that practice is illegal). But Tony once talked to one of the managers about it because, unlike me, Tony is very friendly and actually likes to talk to people in the grocery store. Anyway, the guy told him that they do make money off of every one of those cooked hens, even if it is just a few cents. Fun fact.

There are so many things you can do with a rotisserie chicken besides eat it as-is for dinner. Tony’s speciality is Hunter’s Chicken (aka Chicken Cacciatore because “hunter” is “cacciatora” in Italian). It is so easy to make and so delicious that I have written the recipe down for you. It has been a while since I shared a recipe, so that should be a clue as to just how good this dish is. No, this is not a photo of FreshPet dog food. Sometimes the very best food isn’t very photogenic.

I used to prefer Costco’s rotisserie chickens to Sam’s, because I thought Sam’s were a litttle overcooked but I have gotten over caring and think they are about the same. As much as it pains me to say it, they are both much better than Kroger’s rotisserie chicken. The big difference comes in what they do with them at the end of the day. I don’t actually know what Sam’s does with their leftover rotisserie chickens. Maybe they give them to employees to take home. All I know is that they don’t make 20 different kinds of dishes out of them like Costco does. Talk about repackaging leftover byproducts. Costco does it with chicken and shrimp. The chicken becomes white bean chicken chili, chicken alfredo, tacos and they even shamelessly sell rotisserie chicken taken off the bone and shrink-wrapped. I guess that is helpful if you are so stressed out you don’t even have time to take the chicken off the bone. At Costco those rings of shrimp with cocktail sauce in the middle are turned into something they call Cilantro Lime Shrimp. My sisters both rave over the shrimp salad they get at Costco but my Costco doesn’t sell it. I guess my Costco doesn’t have as much shrimp that is about to go bad as my sisters’ stores have. The next time you are admiring all the “homemade” dishes Costco sells, just remind yourself that they are nothing but repurposed leftovers. Please pass the Cinnadust.

GOLF GLOVES

The one place where Costco really outshines Sam’s is in the golf department. Costco sells golf gloves and balls, both of which are marked with their Kirkland trademark logo. Kirkland is the Costco in-house brand and they put it on everything from golf stuff to champagne which is really French and is not at all bad, but who wants to serve their guests champagne that has a big Kirkland label on it?

I love the Costco golf gloves because they cost $29.99 for a package of four, whereas that’s what you usually have to pay for ONE golf glove anywhere else. I mean, golf gloves are a huge racket. But in a really sexist move, Costco only sells MEN’S golf gloves, so I buy a men’s small. It’s a little bit large for me but it works. If you go to buy Costco golf gloves, be really careful. Tony once ordered some and they were gloves that go on your right hand. They are labeled “Left Hand Glove for Right Handed Golfer,” which pretty clearly explains what it is you are going to get but I guess he had a brain fart because he got the wrong thing. Maybe he’s the kind of person they have to help with the self check-out.

According to my membership cards, I just celebrated my twentieth anniversary as a proud member of the Sam’s Club family, whereas I have only been a member of Costco since 2015. Years ago, when I lived in Connecticut, I was a member of the very unfortunately named BJ’s Wholesale Club. Even though you can probably tell that I have much more of a soft spot in my heart for Sam’s than Costco, I expect I will remain a member of both clubs until I go to my reward. I hope my obituary will include, in my list of accomplishments and memberships, “She was a member of both Costco and Sam’s Club and, with business memberships, was allowed early entry.” But maybe that sounds too snooty.

StoriesMary Welby von ThelenOctober 31, 2022post, sams2 Comments