In my last post I mentioned in passing that nothing provokes the wrath of my sister Norah more than seeing someone back into a parking space. I know a thing or two about provoking Norah, as I have been perfecting my methods for 60 years. My favorite provocation throughout early childhood was to stand in her doorway until she snapped, “Get out of my room!” after which I would step back into the hall and put one toe on the threshold. She would raise her volume a notch and order me again, “Get out of my room!” I would sing-song back, “I’m not in your room.” And this brilliant dialogue would loop until my attention deficit disorder kicked in and the activity could no longer hold my interest. Then I would move to my sister Janelle’s room and whine, “Janelle?” and she would answer, “WHAT MARY WELBY!” only she said it even louder than that, so it scared the shit out of me. So I would sob and say, “Never mind,” then go to Momma and complain, “Momma, they won’t play with me.” Momma would say, “Honey, I can’t make them play with you. Why don’t you go play by yourself?” So I would go back to Norah’s room and start the whole process over. Little did my family know that they were helping me to develop an important skill that I would use in a successful career as a computer programmer: Mastering the Infinite Loop. It looked something like this:

As the years passed I began to develop and perfect new methods of irritating Norah. Whistling hits a Norah nerve even better than the doorway interchange, particularly when executed in the morning. If she is at my house, or I am at hers, all I have to do is mindlessly whistle and, even if she is in another room, she will bark, “Would you please stop whistling!” And so I do but then I start again because, you see, it is just a reflex. I ALWAYS have a tune in my head, which is a malady known as an ear worm in musical circles, and it is a terrible curse. Whistling is just the vent, like steam from a tea kettle, that keeps my head from exploding. When I was in the 11th grade I got bored and carelessly whistled in my French class because the teacher, Mrs Conway, was so awful and had the WORST French accent you could ever imagine. I mean, she pronounced une verre, YOON VAYerrrr. I got sent to see the headmistress who just laughed and we chatted until the end of the period. Because she could appreciate my unique talents. Disabled people have special parking spaces and neurotic people carry all sorts of bullshit support animals on planes, so I hardly think whistling to relieve a little stress is a crime.

Anyway, just last summer I learned a new activity that makes Norah bat shit crazy, proving that one is never too old to learn new things. We were at the Virginia Museum, walking through one of the big marble hallways, just being sisters. I was loving it, and was so happy to finally be out on a Saturday with my beloved sister. It was a magical moment that I savored until she interrupted it by carping, “Would you PLEASE stop scuffing your shoes! You’re as bad as Tom!” Tom is her loyal and loving husband with whom I made a pact 40 years ago. “Tom,” I said, back when they were first married, “I won’t always be around to irritate the shit out of Norah in the future. It will be up to you.” And, bless his heart, he has proven to be equal to the task. That day in the museum, I decided to face the issue head on so, after I picked my feet up and started to walk as quietly as a human being can, I said, “Norah, do you think that, maybe just for once, you could treat me like a friend instead of like your irritating younger sister? She said, “I am. That’s why I don’t have any friends.” It wasn’t pathetic; it was really funny, which was weird because that’s supposed to be my job.

Now that I have laid the historical groundwork, we can get back to the subject at hand, which is driving Norah crazy by backing into a parking space. Do you remember my ground-breaking post, The Left Lane Closed Ahead Debate? It was an insightful rant that provoked this comment from Norah:

Norah loses her shit whenever she sees someone back into a parking space. You can be in the middle of telling her a heart breaking story about the terrible week you have had and she will cut right in and say, “What is it with these people who have to back into parking spaces? They hold everyone up. It is just so stupid. I’m sure it’s a man.” Then she will crane her neck around to check so that she can confirm, “Yep. It was a man.” Then she plunges the final dagger, “Just like TONY.” See, my husband Tony is a HUGE backer-in, and she knows that so, at this point, she is just positioning for a good old-fashioned cat fight in which I defend Tony and she tells me I am wrong and am an idiot. After years of psychotherapy, I have learned how not to be drawn into these types of arguments, which is best accomplished with silence or a simple, “Mmmm,” until she skulks away like a satisfied lion on the African veldt, convinced that, once again, she has won.

THE SKILL DISPLAY MYTH

I think there are a lot of reasons why people back in and am pretty sure that showing off isn’t one of them. I just find it really unlikely that people who back into parking spots do so to impress onlookers. So let’s just start with that as an assumption, that most drivers are not backing in for the performance factor. If you are someone who has backed into parking spaces to impress people, please leave a comment below explaining that motivation and I will stand corrected.

THE TARGET AREA ARGUMENT

The complaint of the group of people who cannot understand why anyone would ever back into a space (let’s call that group Norah) is founded on the premise that it is much easier to back out of a space than to back in, because of the size of the respective target areas. For the visual learner, here is how the Norah group sees the debate.

I recognize this as a fair argument and must concur that it is probably easier to pull into a space than it is to back into a space. But there are many other factors to consider besides the ease of the initial parking experience. For MANY years I was fully on the side of the non-backers-in and have to admit that I still find it somewhat annoying to have to wait while someone backs into a space if they are no good at it, but I have also come to understand the science behind backing in.

FOCUS

One of Tony’s first jobs was working as a FedEx courier and he long ago explained to me that scientific studies have proven that, when people arrive at a place they are more attentive than when they are leaving. As a matter of fact, FedEx drivers are trained and required to back into spaces. So don’t give the finger to a FedEx driver for backing in. Save it for people like Tony.

It all makes sense, if you think about it. Let’s say I’m going to Kroger. I arrive with a focus on finding a space that is not too far away and is not occupied with stray carts, because those stray carts can do more damage to your car than a cruise missile. I find my space and gingerly insert the car into it. Regardless of whether I am backing in or pulling forward, that is my focus at the moment. I grab two grocery bags out of the car, lest I look like one of the college students coming out of the store carrying 16 plastic bags in each hand on their way to a Save the Planet meeting, then go inside to the fish counter. When I walk out, the current event is over, and the next thing becomes my focus, whether it is going to play golf or just going home. Therein lies the problem — the focus moves to the next thing, which is usually not the act of driving the car because that has become second nature, like walking or hitting a 7 iron

PEDESTRIANS

It is safer to back in than to pull in, according to parking lot architect Catherine Peterman, because, "When you back in, it's into a defined space where people are not likely to be. When you pull out, you are pulling into traffic and possibly into pedestrians." According to AAA, 76% of people prefer to pull forward into a parking spot, yet 300 people are killed every year and 18,000 injured by drivers backing out of those spaces. I believe that is because of what drives me crazy, which is how little attention pedestrians pay to cars in shopping center parking lots. You can be backing out of a space and someone will walk right behind you as you are moving because they once read a sign that said, “Pedestrians Have Right of Way,” as if it bestows magical powers that guarantee you will be seen by drivers, including the little old lady who can’t see over the top of the steering wheel. Refer to Exhibit C, below, for a more realistic view of the target area when backing out of a parking space. I promise you, not one of those little people below is paying the slightest bit of attention to the car that is trying to back out of the parking space. I save flipping the bird for those people - the ones who walk right behind my moving car and make me nearly shit my pants.

AUTOMOTIVE TECHNOLOGY

Now let’s move the discussion to inept backers. Many of the people I discussed this topic with said they are annoyed when people back in if they are no good at it. Face it — if people could back into a space as quickly as they pull into one, this would be a moot argument (not a mute argument, you morons). And it nearly is, because of the advent of backup cameras. Between the camera and the beeping signals that tell you when you are close to something, it is almost as easy to back up as it is to drive forward. I know that, today, there are actually cars that can park themselves, but I think Norah would be even more annoyed by someone trying to do that. Tony and I test drove a Jaguar F-Pace the last time I was shopping for a car and, first, let me tell you that it is one of the roughest, worst riding cars you will ever drive, which is why the guy riding with you repeats the phrase, “high-performance vehicle” at least a dozen times. When you get back to the dealership and he tries to show you how the car parks itself, he can’t get it lined up quite right so that demonstration is a complete failure and you start to lose your shit just like Norah does. Then you go to the Porsche dealer and buy a Cayenne because, even though it doesn’t park itself, it has an amazing backup system that looks like this:

These images were taken as I was backing into my garage, which of course makes Norah crazy if she is in the car with me. Except for the time when she had a flat tire on a Tuesday evening (proving once more that everything happens on Tuesday) and I drove 35 minutes each way to go fetch her and bring her back to my house, and then drive her back to get her car the next day. That time she had the good sense to keep her trap shut about me backing into my own damn garage.

Before all you haters go hating me because I back into my garage, let me explain why. When you back up, a camera comes on and beeping sounds tell you if you are close to something. Our big-ass Ford F-150 truck does not have a forward facing camera, but it does have a back up cam. If you were to try to pull into the garage in that truck, you would have no idea when to stop because you can’t see the bumper in front of you. Of course, Norah would say, “Why do you keep your truck in the garage? It’s a truck. We have never kept our truck in the garage.” And then I would answer, “To each his own, said the old lady as she kissed the cow,” because that’s what Momma always used to say.

SIZE MATTERS

While we are talking about our big-ass Ford F-150, let me point out another feature that causes people to back in - the long truck bed. Long trucks can really stick out far in a parking lot, so sometimes backing into the right type of space is actually an act of kindness. Consider the following photographs of our big-ass Ford F-150 in a Lowe’s parking lot, which just happens to be the backer-in’s Xanadu.

Note the proximity of the truck to the yellow reference lines, illustrating how backing in saves space in a parking lot and is therefore a thoughtful act.

EVENT PARKING

I think everyone except for my sister Norah knows you MUST back in when parking at an event. Whether it’s a basketball arena or a theater, any time there will be a lot of people all leaving at the same time, you gotta back in. This also goes for parking garages at shopping malls around Christmas time. So the next time you are leaving a crowded event and there is that one person whose brake lights are on, attempting to back out into the steady stream of traffic, please let her out - it will be Norah.

It appears that drivers in Barcelona believe in backing in, event or no event.

EXCEPTIONS

There are, of course, exceptions to every rule, and here are a few of them:

GOLF

You will find very few cars backed in at a golf course and that is because people have to get their gear out of the back of the car. If you have ever played golf you know getting ready for 18 holes is very much like packing to go on a 10 day vacation. You are about to embark on a four hour journey during which you might become hungry, thirsty, sunburned, hot, cold or rained on. My car looks like a mobile locker room, with towels, socks, shoes, caps, gloves and a big container of balls from lostgolfballs.com. They collect lost golf balls from all over the country, then sort them so that you can buy the balls you want. They are rated as good, near mint and mint condition. I buy the near mint condition balls which are almost like new but may have logos or markings. My favorite lucky ball right now is a Calloway Super Soft with the imprint, Robert “SLICK” Feeney. It was the perfect retirement gift, no doubt.

GROCERY SHOPPING

I have to admit it does make me nuts when Tony backs in at the grocery store because, if we buy a lot of groceries, we are going to want to put them in the back. You can’t usually get the cart back there and the whole scene is just a pain in the ass. My solution is that I mostly let him do all the grocery shopping, then I don’t have to be there to bitch at him about backing in. It also saves me from worrying about whether I have bought the correct peaches or strawberries, and all the headaches that go along with that.

DRIVING MY SISTER NORAH

If you are driving with Norah in the car, don’t back in. It’s just not worth it. And for god’s sake, pick your feet up when you walk. And remember: no humming or whistling.

THE SCIENTIFIC SURVEY

I randomly surveyed 37 people to determine whether most people, like my sister Norah, are annoyed by people who back in. Some people were questioned in person, and others were questioned via email. The email I sent said, “Please reply to this email with a simple YES or NO answer to the question: Do you hate it when people back into parking spaces? Just Yes or No. There are no gray areas. You either hate the practice or you don't. No ‘sometimes’ or ‘it depends.’ Just YES or NO.” I was nearly as interested in whether people would actually follow the instructions as I was in their answers because I knew plenty would give me way more information than I wanted. I was very surprised that 90% of respondents actually did reply with a simple yes or no. You know who you are - you are the rule-followers and I salute you. (Confidential to C.R.: How you were able to graduate from Stanford and Georgetown Law when you are not able to give a single word answer to a simple question is beyond my comprehension).

The results were very interesting, demographically. Not one man stated that he is annoyed by people who back in. Not a single one. Norah would say it’s because the men are the backers, so of course they don’t get annoyed. There were also plenty of women who state that they are not annoyed when a person backs in, so it is clearly not a gender-dependent trait. But for the most part, the women who said they are annoyed when people back in, really mean it. If you were to ask them to rate how annoying they find the act of backing in on a scale of 1 to 10, they would shout FIFTY! These are the ones who replied, “YES - I HATE IT!” or “YES YES YES!”. When you feel that passionate about something, by all means — say it three times. But your vote only counted once.

The final tally was No - 21 and Yes -16. Meaning, 21 people casually replied, “No, I am not terribly annoyed by people backing into parking spaces,” and 16 screamed, “YES, I FIND IT INCREDIBLY ANNOYING WHEN PEOPLE BACK IN AND IF YOU WEREN’T SO STUPID SO WOULD YOU.” Clearly, those who are annoyed by people backing into parking spaces are wound a little bit tighter than those who don’t give a shit, and that’s probably a good thing because they are the perfectionists that make the world run on time. So you gotta respect ‘em.

What’s the take-away? Beats me. I really just wanted to show Norah that she is in the minority on this subject and that most people do not agree with her. Because irritating my sister Norah never gets old.

Just to show that there really are some pretty amazing backers out there who probably are not just doing it to impress people, check out this video of a Fedex truck driver backing into a loading dock.

To Back In or Not To Back In? That Is the Question