The 2021 Millennial Gift List
It had to happen sooner or later: Our little Millennials are growing up. Chronologically, anyway. The age of Millennials is now defined as anyone born between the years of 1981 and 1996. The oldest Millennials turn 40 this year and the youngest have become a (sort of) mature 25. I wonder: Are their tastes maturing as they age, or will they still be the same sniveling, entitled brats at 40 as they were at 21? Should we continue to gratify their hunger for newness and identifiable branding? Do we dare continue to feed the beast by giving them everything they want? Of course we do, because it’s Christmas, damn it.
In light of the recent supply chain debacle, and knowing how helpless my readers are without my recommendations, I decided I had best get to this list a little early this year. It’s not like thinking about Christmas when Halloween is barely in the rear view mirror is anything odd in this century. To the contrary - this year, if you are going to order stuff that needs to come by ship, you had better get on it, like yesterday. I will give you some recommendations that you will probably have to order from The Jeff Bezos Store, but I also urge you to think outside the box this year, and use your head, hands and a little ingenuity. Get creative.
It turns out that my recommendations, like my peculiar brand of humor, are timeless. So the recommendations I made in 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020 are all still remarkably relevant. If you can’t find anything that excites you here, go back and read those posts. In fact, the only item out of all those I have recommended that I feel a bit of regret about is she who must not be named. Because, in my house, if you say A-L-E-X-A, or anything that sounds anything like it, within mic-shot of the nosy bugger, she will butt into the conversation with some inane suggestion. Recently she has tried to become inappropriately friendly with me, making comments like, “I hope you are having a nice day,” to which I reply, “Who asked you, you mindless electronic puke?” Then she makes me feel guilty with a treacly sweet, “Sorry,” and it sends my whole day into a tailspin. I have enough trouble managing not to offend real people; I certainly don’t need to add digital busybodies into the mix. Everything else I stand behind, and I am even prepared to double down on a few. Read on.
REUSABLE BAGS
These first made The List in 2019 and I’m prepared to keep recommending them until I single-handedly change the world. You know how Millennials are always preaching about saving the planet? Well, the Millennials in my town don’t seem to have the wherewithal to carry a non-disposable grocery bag into the store with them because any old time I see them come out carrying 7 plastic bags in each hand, along with the obligatory carton of hard seltzer. I don’t know about you, but I find that really annoying, so I stand behind my 2019 recommendation to give the brats reusable bags and, while you’re at it, instruct them in how to use them, i.e. keep them in the car or in your purse or pocket. I am never without a reusable bag. I hear you: Preach, sister, preach, you righteous bitch.
Here are some I recommended in 2019, and they are still available from Amazon, although the prices have gone up quite a bit since then. Somebody has to pay for the diesel that gets those ships here from China.
THE CREATIVE OPTION
If you have a sewing machine and even the slightest bit of creative talent (which I know, sadly, is a reach for so many of you) you can make them yourself. Now that’s an idea!. Slow boats from China be damned. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: There is nothing you can’t learn from YouTube. Go to YouTube and search for “DIY reusable bag” and you will get more hits than you have time to watch. And if you cannot bear to sit through a video explanation, Online Fabric Store has an easy to follow written tutorial.
LEGO BUILDING KITS
Every Millennial boy and STEM-raised girl loves cars, and they never outgrow LEGO. Last year, at the height of COVID when there wasn’t anything to do, we gave my 34 year old son Taylor a LEGO 007 Aston Martin DB5 kit which now, fully assembled, sits on his mantel. At $149.99 it’s pricey, but it has a raisable bullet shield, working ejection seat and rotating license plate, so what do you expect? While you’re at it, you can throw in some tickets to the latest James Bond movie, No Time to Die. No spoiler alert needed here, but I can promise you it is unlike any James Bond movie you have ever seen before and you and your favorite Millennial definitely want to be able to say you have seen it.
James Bond Aston Martin DB5 Building kit
LEGO Technic Grand Prix Racer
LEGO Speed Champions McLaren Elva Building Kit
My daughter Lawler is addicted to Formula 1 racing and you will be too if you watch the Netflix series, Formula 1: Drive to Survive. You might be saying, Bullshit - I couldn’t care less about Formula 1 racing. I hope you are NOT saying Bullshit - I COULD care less about Formula 1 racing, because the only thing more irritating than seeing young people carry plastic bags of groceries is hearing them say, I could care less. Trust me - you don’t have to like cars or racing to get hooked on this series. Before I watched it I thought Formula 1 was a cough syrup. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about car racing - it’s right down there with scotch on my couldn’t care less scale - and I could not stop watching and can’t wait for the next season. The point of all this is that you could surprise your F1-loving Millennial with a LEGO Technic Grand Prix Racer, but at $599.00, the biggest surprise might be to your bank account.
Frugal shoppers might appreciate the $16.00 McLaren Elva or the $15.99 Ferrari F8. But these are really small kits, so be aware that Justin and Samantha will have finished building them long before you have had your first bloody Mary. Whatever you do, don’t buy a knock-off. Fake LEGOS are appreciated about as much as Birkin bags and pashminas bought from the trunk of a guy’s car in a Walmart parking lot. If it’s one thing Millennials care about, it is authenticity, so accept no substitutions.
LEGO Creator Expert James Bond Aston Martin DB5 10262 Building Kit (1295 Pieces) $149.99
LEGO Exclusive Technic Grand Prix Racer 42000 $599.00
LEGO McLaren Elva Building Kit $16.00
THE CREATIVE OPTION
Give them some popsicle sticks and a jar of rubber cement. Instruct them to create a model that will save the planet, cure poverty and feed the hungry.
EMBER TEMPERATURE CONTROL MUG
Taylor gave me one of these for Mother’s Day and, in that short amount of time, it has become something without which I cannot live. (Take THAT, anal grammarians). See, Tony brings me my coffee in the morning so that I can lie in bed and read the paper. Before I got this mug, my coffee would get pretty cold pretty quick and Tony’s delivery service doesn’t offer reheats because, by then, he is outside sitting in the hot tub end of our big-ass swim spa. With this cup it’s not necessary to heat your milk first, because it doesn’t just keep the drink hot, it heats it to the ideal temperature and then holds it there. You are going to think this is nuts, but the thing is bluetooth. You connect the mug to an app on your phone and you get a message that your beverage is now at its ideal temperature. And it stays that way for about 90 minutes. I tell you, it is delightful. It is immersible, thank god, because nothing is more annoying than trying to wash something without getting part of it wet, unless it is people who use disposable plastic grocery bags and say “I could care less.” And it sits on a charger, so no batteries. They also have a travel mug that has an optional car charger feature, in case you know someone who actually gets in a car to drive to work anymore.
Taylor read somewhere that you shouldn’t use metal spoons in the cup because they will cause the enamel to chip. I don’t know whether that’s true or not, but when he gave me the mug he also gave me a set of wooden spoons and we always use those to stir the coffee. My mug is like new. So including those wooden spoons was a nice touch but I reckon you could just use a plastic one for the same effect.
I think this will be as popular this year as the bidet toilet seat was last year, so you had better get your orders in pronto. Just imagine being able to sit on your bidet toilet seat with a perpetually perfect warm beverage for up to 90 minutes. Could life get any better than that?
THE CREATIVE OPTION
As we all know, there is nothing you can’t learn from YouTube and, believe it or not, that includes how to make your own heated coffee mug. But it leaves a lot to be desired in the aesthetic department and, honestly, it looks more like a bomb than a coffee mug. Frankly, this one would be a stretch, even for me. But if your Ember Mug gets stuck on the slow boat from China and you don’t want to disappoint Brandon and Jessica, this is your best option.
MAKING/BAKING KITS
I think baking kits are just the ticket for COVID-weary Millennials. That is of course, unless your favorite Millennial is too depressed and unmotivated to get out of bed, let alone perform a Julia Child reenactment in the kitchen. I came up with this idea last February for Lawler’s birthday. Because of COVID, she had emigrated from New York City and was living with us, so bar hopping with her friends was not a possibility, but the macaron making kit I put together for her was a close second. I thought she would make a batch, say that was fun and that would be the end of it, but she became quite the macaron-baking aficionado by the end of the summer. Here are actual, unretouched photos of some of her macarons.
You can order kits from places like Williams Sonoma or Amazon, but I found the mother lode of DIY kits at a place called Uncommon Goods. Click that link and search for “kits.” This is my new favorite place to shop. and even if you aren’t shopping for kits, I recommend it. Here are some of my faves:
Make Your Own Fortune Cookies Kit $29.00
Milk and Cookies Shot Glass Making Kit $20.00
Soft Pretzel and Beer Mustard Making Kit $29.95
Chinese Soup Dumpling Kit $60.00
Bagel and Cream Cheese Making Kit $30.00
THE CREATIVE OPTION
Where ya gonna go? That’s right - YouTube. Figure out how to make whatever it is, then create your own kit. That’s what I did for Lawler’s macaron making kit. I bought silicone baking mats marked with macaron circles, pastry bags and tips, almond flour and a book called French Macarons for Beginners. It’s not rocket science, people. Even you can do this.
CALAMITY WARE
Now that most of our favorite Millennials are in their 30s, they have probably broken their starter Pottery Barn china. But can you give them the china that was passed down through your family for at least three generations? No no no no no. Because Millennials don’t like old stuff unless it is a 1974 Porsche 911. They have outgrown Ikea, but aren’t ready to give in to your heirloom mahogany dining table quite yet. Calamityware china is the perfect classy meets whimsy. You could serve your grandmother Thanksgiving dinner on these plates and she probably wouldn’t even realize that it is decorated with robots, pirates and flying monkeys. Here are my favorites.
Calamityware Four Plate Combo Series 1
Calamityware Shallow Bowls - Fly
Calamityware Zombie Poodles
Calamityware Four Plate Combo Series 1 $150.00 - Four 10.5” plates with (clockwise from top left) flying monkeys, giant robot, UFO invasion, and voracious sea monster.
Calamityware Shallow Bowls: Fly $56.00 - “With bugs in your bowls, you’ll never dine alone.” Four 8.75” porcelain bowls, each with a black fly painted on the bottom. Perfect for those with a peculiar sense of humor.
Calamityware Plate 11: Zombie Poodles $42.00 - 10.5” microwave safe porcelain dinner plate adorned with zombie poodles. Homespun with a twisted vibe.
THE CREATIVE OPTION
Whether or not you want to try to make your own dishes to give to Ashley and Michael this Christmas, you must see The Great Pottery Throwdown on HBO. It’s like The Great British Baking Show only with a bunch of brits making pottery and one gets sent home each week. Featuring a really bizarre judge named Keith Brymer Jones who regularly bursts into sobbing tears of joy when he sees a pot he likes. Includes a lot of phallic humor because they use a very suggestive handle-pulling technique and most pots seem to be started by making a dick shape.
DIY SOLUTIONS
If you stupidly wait until the last minute and everything is sold out or on back order until next July, relax. I have lots of DIY ideas that do not rely on the supply chain. Quite often I make something and people say, “How did you DO that?” as if I had just split an atom or something. But none of these options is complicated so I think even people like you can do them. This blog post is like one of those shows that is made up of flashbacks because all the actors are on vacation, in that you have seen all of this stuff before, but I think it bears repeating. Besides, you are getting exactly what you paid for.
YOU ARE HERE BATHROOM PHOTO
This remains one of my greatest inventions and you can make it with a computer, a printer and an old frame you have lying around. The one I made for my sister Norah hangs at eye level in her powder room and leaves me filled with pride every time I use her bathroom. Complete instructions are available in this December 2017 post.
If you know any Millennials who still send handwritten notes, this is a very nice option and I describe exactly how to do it in great detail in the post. Unless they don’t send handwritten notes anymore, in which case you can always make them personalized grocery lists. Unless they don’t write down things they need at the store anymore, in which case, fuck it. This isn’t a good option. Read on.
Scan a bunch of old photographs of your favorite Millennial and put them on a keepsake thumb drive. Now that’s a gift that comes from the heart because it is a huge pain in the ass to do and even a Millennial should appreciate the effort you went to. They’ll put them on Instagram before you can say I’m smarter than my boss and I’m not paid enough.
GIFT CHITS
This is the year of the gift chit if ever there was one. Gift cards are lackluster, even when you put them in those cute little gift card tins. So if you find yourself reduced to giving a promise for the gift that didn’t come in time or, heaven forbid, cash, here are some clever ways to package them. I told you about these and other gift chit ideas way back in 2017, when I used to write blog posts more than twice a year, so if you want more sage advice, go back and read that post.
MONEY ORIGAMI
Which is it? Or-rih-GAH-mee or or-RIH-guh-mee? I always say the former, because I think the latter sounds affected and pretentious but, either way, this is the best way I have ever found to give cold, hard cash. Way more fun than one of those cheesy cards with a money slot. You really should use a nice, crisp bill, so you might want to try the design with a plain piece of paper first (2.61” x 6.14” is the size of a US bill). I haven’t done this for about 15 years, so I just googled money origami and there are, of course, a zillion hits. The best explanations and illustrations I found were on a site called Homemade Gifts Made Easy. Here’s what I made from that site:
Written instructions are not for the feeble-minded, so if you have trouble following them you can follow along with YouTube instead. Here’s a T-Rex I made following along with a channel called Fold ‘n Crease. It doesn’t look very good because I used the very-many-times-folded bill I made the shirt out of above. Folding origami is very awe inspiring. The whole time I was doing this I could not stop wondering what kind of person it takes to figure this stuff out. It is right up there with splitting atoms.
ENCODED PUZZLE MESSAGE
I think this is one of the most clever things I have ever created and, as you know, that’s saying a lot. Most stuff I tell you about I steal from the internet and make you think I thought it up myself. But this one I really DID invent. One year Taylor’s big Christmas gift was some really weird software that was super expensive. Because it was a digital download, he was going to have to get it himself. I didn’t just want to write on a card, Enjoy your very own ProTools software so I wrote a message, encoded it, then made it into a puzzle. So first he had to work the puzzle, then he had to use good old fashioned sleuthing to break the code. This was about 10 years ago and I can still see him sitting there decoding the message. This is a winner and I hope some of you do it and send me a picture of what you make.
As always, there are a zillion sites you can use to turn stuff into code. The site I recommended back in 2017 is theproblemsite.com and I still think it is a good one. Here are examples of different encoders you can use. Each of these says, “Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.”
For those of you who think I just pull this stuff out of my ass as I go, you are right, because just now I thought of another one. Suppose you are going to give your favorite Millennial Japanese cooking classes or Portuguese lessons? Go to google translate and put the message in a different language, then make it into a puzzle, of course.
Or here’s another one: Just find a picture of the gift you are giving and cut it up so that they have to put the puzzle together. For best results, you should glue whatever you are turning into a puzzle onto foam core board, then cut it up with an exacto knife.
WORD SEARCH PUZZLE
This is my very latest invention, so I haven’t actually used it yet for one of my loved ones. Loyal readers may remember one of the very first posts I wrote, way back in May 2017, where I told you how I made a puzzle book for my friend Sara. The post is so old you have to go to the Archive by Month searcher on the home page to even find it. That gave me the idea to make a word search for a gift chit. Say you are going to give Jacob and Nicole a ski trip to Colorado in January and you are going to stay at the St. Regis. Just go to one of the many word search generators on the internet and enter a list of words that describe your gift. Shazam! Out pops a word search puzzle with your words hidden in it along with the solution. Like I said, there are a zillion of these sites, but the one I found that I think will be easiest for you is thewordsearch.com. I liked this one the best because it was easy to use, the output is visually attractive, and you can download and print a pdf of the puzzle. So for you nitwits who can’t figure out how to manipulate a digital image, you can just print it and cut it out with scissors because you don’t want to show the word list - duh. And for the Millennial nitwits who can’t work the puzzle, there is an answer key. Here’s the answer key to the one I made for Jacob and Nicole’s dream trip.
Well people, that’s the brain dump for this year. If you weren’t worried about getting all your shopping done in time for Christmas before, I hope you are now. Are you starting to imagine what your life could be like if you had even an ounce of creativity? The point of all of this is to take a little bit of extra time to make your gift chit interesting. Because making someone laugh might turn out to be the best gift of all.