The 2020 Millennial Gift List
Well, a number of you have whined, “Where is the gift list?” so it appears I need to put aside all my other business and just get this done. I have a LOT on my plate right now. I need to finish sewing and crafting a bunch of Christmas presents and I still have a few virtual choir videos to finish before the 25th. My women’s a cappella group, Fire, decided that our adoring fans would adore us even more if we offered them a song each day during the twelve days of Christmas. For you heathens and non-Christians, the twelve days of Christmas are not some sort of countdown like an advent calendar that ends on Christmas. The count actually begins on Christmas Day and ends twelve days later, on January 5th, which is the eve of Epiphany, otherwise known as Twelfth Night. If you haven’t liked my Facebook page or subscribed to my YouTube Channel, you missed the song parody this exercise inspired, which I wrote, directed, starred in and engineered:
While we are on the subject of Epiphany, it’s a good time to settle that argument about how long you are supposed to have your tree up. My mother always used to say it had to come down by New Year’s Day but, the fact is, it is entirely appropriate to leave it up until January 6th. But if it starts to die long before that you should certainly take it down earlier.
This year I felt too lazy to pull the artificial tree out of the basement, and the thought of also getting out all of those ornaments and putting them on it was more than I could bear. It turns out Tony and Lawler both felt the same way so we went out and bought a sweet little live spruce in a pot that we will plant after Christmas and, when it gets tall and majestic, we will point to it and say, “That’s our COVID tree.” I told them both that there is no way it will live after we plant it, because every time I have ever done this in the past, the tree always died. But the people at the fancy-pants nursery where we bought it said you should only have it in the house for two days max, or it will think it’s spring and will start to try to grow. Then when you take it outside it will die from shock. So we put the tree on our front porch and Lawler decorated it in a ginchy organic hybrid of fake berries and poinsettias and we will haul it in the house on Christmas eve so that it can enjoy the holiday with us. Look at how sweet this tree is:
My tangential writing regressions, while entertaining, are what makes these blog posts take so long to write, so let’s get down to business and get this 2020 Millennial Gift List underway.
THE 2020 MILLENNIAL GIFT LIST
I am particularly well qualified to present this year’s gift list, as we have had a millennial under our roof since mid June. My daughter, Lawler, abandoned New York City in the late spring because, for some reason, she had a problem with living and working all alone in a poorly insulated Lower East Side one-room tenement 3rd floor walkup apartment with no bathroom sink and a shower next to the stove, seeing no one but her dog until the COVID crisis ends. This is how Millennials differ from Baby Boomers - they just don’t have a good understanding of how suffering builds character while setting the stage for a lifetime of references to exactly how hard your life was when you were in your twenties and thirties. What on earth are millennials going to use to shame their children, I wonder?
This year’s list, like the 2019, 2018 and 2017 lists, relies heavily on the fact that millennials enjoy life’s pleasures and have an inate expectation of quality, comfort and brand recognition. One of the reasons why I was reluctant to make the list this year was because I procrastinated for so long that there is little time for you to shop anymore, especially online. But oh well - you can just save the ideas for the next birthday, unless you are my friend Sarah who had the misfortune of giving birth, 30-some years ago, to a son on Christmas Day. That sort of misfortune will never befall a pregnant millennial, as she will simply schedule a C-section in advance, to beat the holiday rush.
ADJUSTABLE DUMBBELL SET
52.5LB ADJUSTABLE DUMBBELL SET - TruFitHealth.net $369.99
In my last post I warned you that I might not get around to making this list, so I told you about this cool weight set Lawler bought that I get to use. That benefit, along with the fact that she is eager to go to the grocery store for me at 6:00pm when I discover I don’t have arugula for my outstanding Grilled Salmon with White Bean and Arugula Salad make this whole family living situation worthwhile. What makes these weights so cool? You just dial the weight you want, from 5 to 52.5 pounds and they reconfigure themselves, picking up the right combination to make that happen. They are compact, so you don’t have to have a huge set against the wall in your dank basement or garage. I predict that living space is going to remain a problem for millennials for another 10 years or so, so this is a good investment. The big drawback is that these weights take 30-90 days to arrive, so you are definitely not getting these by Christmas and I wouldn’t even shoot for a birthday unless it is March or later. Besides, when COVID is over they will want to return to their fancy gym with the Kiehl’s products in the showers, in which case you will be able to pick these up for a song at Play It Again Sports. (Note to self: Consider shorting Peloton stock when this COVID thing is over).
KIEHL’S
I just thought of this one on the fly, which shows how carefully I research this list. The main reason why Kiehl’s products (pronounced keels) make this list is because they are expensive, because everyone knows that expensive = quality. If you have watched You’ve Got Mail as many times as I have, you are right now remembering the dialogue between Steve Zahn (George) and Tom Hanks (Joe) in the bookstore, as Joe is flipping through a vintage edition of a book:
George: The illustrations are hand tipped.
Joe Fox: And that’s why it costs so much?
George: That’s why it’s WORTH so much.
Kiehl’s products are like that. They have been around since 1851 and have one of those logos that screams, we are too high quality to worry about what our logo looks like, so we just stick with this white label with black letters.. That type of packaging is very big with Millennials. If you have a tight budget, you can get an assortment of three lip balms or a “mild, soap-free dog shampoo” for just $25 each. If money is no object, why not spring for the Clearly Corrective Dark Spot Duo for $210, because lord knows Millennials don’t want to grow up to looking like Boomers after 60. Kiehl’s also has a Holiday Shopping Guide on their website that I guarantee is a lot more useful than this list.
UNTUCKit
I had not planned to put UNTUCKit on this list because I didn’t want to spoil my son’s Christmas surprise. Not that I think he reads this blog, but you never know. UNTUCKit took care of that problem for me. I went to their website to order a couple of shirts for Taylor, who lives in California and will be celebrating Christmas with us virtually this year. After looking around their website for 30 minutes trying to figure out how to give a gift, I finally gave up and Lawler called a store to work it all out. That’s the other great thing about having a Millennial in the house. They have unlimited patience to perform tasks that members of the older generation gave up doing years ago, yet no patience with observing us being impatient. (Do you get that? Reread it until you do.) She talked to a store clerk who assured her that the shirts we chose would be gift wrapped and delivered to Taylor’s house in Winnetka along with a gift receipt. I was appreciative. Two days later, Taylor texted, “Did one of y’all send me shirts from Untuckit? Because I didn’t order any shirts from Untuckit and got some anyway.” Ay yi yi. You are probably smart enough that you have already thought of the solution that we didn’t come up with until days later: Send the gift to yourself, care of the person at their address. Duh. Anyway, UnTuckit shirts are the ones that look good untucked, instead of looking like you are just too lazy to tuck your shirttail in. Even if you don’t want to gift these shirts, take a look at the website which has the most astonishing array of headless men with perfect physiques you have ever seen. UnTuckit, like Kiehl’s, has a holiday gift guide with suggestions for “The Outdoorsman,” “The Work From Home Guy,” “Mr. Put-Together,” “The Sartorial Guy,” etc. They have women’s clothing too.
BIDET TOILET SEAT
This is my actual self-installed Genie Bidet.
Has anyone else noticed how comfortable people have become with talking about things that used to cause embarrassment? Things like Poopourri and last year’s big hit, the Squatty Potty, advertised as, The #1 way to #2. And who can forget the organic compostable tampons suggested on my 2017 gift list? I predict this year’s major toileting hit will be the bidet toilet seat and here’s why: Tony’s birthday is December 3rd, which is a major pain in the ass because it’s hard enough to figure out what to give him for Christmas without also having to find a birthday present in the same month. I had no idea what to get this year until my friend Ashley, who is an Xennial (pronounced ex-any-yuhl) and is very in touch with what is cool and what is not, suggested a Tushy. Tushy is a company “for people who poop,” that is not afraid to state that “self-care starts with your butthole.” They make a butt cleaning device you mount under your toilet seat and it sprays your ass with water on demand. I was thinking that Tony likes being clean as much as the next guy and he certainly wouldn’t be expecting this gift, so I got him a Tushy competitor, a Genie Bidet. I chose the Genie Bidet not only because Tushy is sold out everywhere (proof of its hotness), but because I read in reviews that people don’t like the fact that installing the Tushy under your toilet seat makes the seat slant downward. With my luck I would fall off the toilet and break my ass, so I went for a bidet style that is incorporated into the seat. Also, the Genie Bidet has both a butt setting and a patootie setting for the ladies. I wish I could adequately describe the look of disappointment and disbelief on Tony’s face when he opened this gift. He clearly assumed it was a joke. I assured him it was not a joke, that it is, in fact all the rage, and he would love it, just trust me. I was able to install it in under 20 minutes, albeit with a lot of contortions and a momentary horror that I had become impossibly stuck between the toilet and the wall. Here’s a tip: After you install it, do not test the connection without actually sitting on the toilet unless you feel like changing your shirt. It took about 24 hours for Tony and me to both become addicted to this thing, and another 24 hours before he ordered a second one so that we wouldn’t be fighting over the same toilet all the time. I got the Elongated Bidet Toilet Seat for $119.99 and it came in about two days, so it’s not too late to get this in time for Christmas. Look, there is no question that your millennial will think it is the weirdest thing you have ever given them, but there is also no question that they will wonder how they ever lived without it in about 2 days. Trust me.
ATHLETIC SHIRTS
Do you remember my infatuation with Outdoor Voices leggings when I made the 2017 Mature People’s Gift List? I still love them, but I have all I need and they are not wearing out. Athletic shirts are another story. I don’t know whether it is the fabric they are using or whether it’s because I sweat like a pig, but once my shirts start to stink there is no way to de-stinkafy them. You wash them and they smell fine so you put one on and within 5 minutes it stinks again. It’s like your body heat wakes up the smell. In my opinion, anyone who is into fitness can appreciate new shirts. I personally have asked for them from everyone I know, so I am looking forward to going into my drawer on December 26th and throwing every single shirt in it out. No exceptions. My club tennis pro told me that Lululemon shirts never stink because they have silver in them, and I believed him so we bought me a bunch of those and I am supposed to have forgotten about them, which I will do as soon as I finish writing this. But he actually sells the aforementioned Lululemon shirts, so it is in his best interest to make this no-stink claim. Stink or not, millennials love the Lululemon brand, so you can’t go wrong with giving them a shirt or two. And if you are a hopeless Boomer who doesn’t know the brand, Lululemon is the company that is so confident in its brand recognition that it often has only its brand icon (shown above) on the storefront. Also, it is pronounced loo-loo LEMON.
SPIRALIZER
I know these have been around for a long time and one could argue that the spiralizer is so yesterday, but I am so in love with this spiralizer attachment that I could use it all day. At least when I’m not spraying my ass with my Genie Bidet. Everyone knows that 2020 has been the year of baking and cooking because, frankly, there’s just not much else to do. I went looking for a spiralizer because we wound up with an overabundance of squash from the garden and I wanted something different to do with it. I had no idea what kind to get, so started reading a bunch of reviews and, apparently, the hand-crank spiralizers are a pain in the ass. I wound up choosing this one that screws onto the front of a Kitchenaid mixer. And what self-loving millennial doesn’t have a Kitchenaid mixer, I ask you? We used this spiralizer to peel, core and slice our Thanksgiving pie apples in one fell swoop, and it was transformative. And it makes amazing, perfect noodles from centercut squash, which is this crazy new breed we planted, that tastes just like lo mein when you mix it up with soy sauce and vegetables. This thing is mesmerizing to watch, which is perfect for when you have already watched every movie on Netflex, HBO and Amazon Prime.
YETI COOLERS and DRINKWARE
Yeti is the Rolls Royce of coolers and if your millennial doesn’t already have one, I promise you they want one. Forget whether they ever have occasion to use it - that’s not important. This thing is so cool people carry them around empty just to be seen with one. I once read that Yeti is an example of a company creating cachet largely by slapping on a high price. Coolers start at $199.99, but you can get a lunchbox for just $79.99. If that seems a little rich to you, don’t worry. You can get a beer cozy or a mug for just $24.99. My personal favorite is the 10 oz. wine tumbler which I think could really come in handy this winter for social distancing cocktails outdoors. Yeti warns that orders will not arrive by Christmas, but you can get this stuff at sporting stores.
SPORTS MASK
By now everyone has an abundance of masks and many may be thinking that, with a vaccine being available soon, we don’t need to be investing in any new ones. But I think it is quite possible that people who workout and play sports may soon be required to wear a mask, so I did some research (i.e. a google search) and found this sports mask that I think looks pretty swell. May as well get a jump on the rush and order one. See? No jokes when I seriously think something is a good idea.
ATHLETA COASTER LUXE SWEATSHIRT
I was starting to feel bad that I mentioned Lululemon, Outdoor Voices, and Underarmour but not Athleta, especially since they make my favorite sweatshirt in the whole wide world. I am absolutely batshit crazy for this sweatshirt and would wear it 24/7, whilst spiralizing squash, washing my ass with my Genie Bidet and toting a Yeti cooler if I could. It is the softest thing I have ever put on. I mean, you put it over your head and just gasp because you can’t believe how soft it is. And trust me, just because I have it doesn’t mean it isn’t cool. Lawler gave it to me last Christmas and she only gives cool stuff. I now have two of them, and am sad to say that the first one is starting to stink a little because I actually wore it for sports. I will not make that mistake with the newer one. I guess it doesn’t have silver in it and that is totally okay because this shirt is solid gold. Man, with a line like that, wouldn’t you think I would at least start to get free shit from all these companies?
There you have it! I’m so glad I haven’t disappointed you all by being a slacker. I hope something on this list inspires you. As always, my advice is worth precisely what you paid for it.
Merry Christmas everyone. Stay safe and I’ll catch you on the flip side.