Do you remember in my Hello Again post last November I said I had gained a bunch of weight at the beginning of Covid, then lost what I had gained plus 10 more pounds? Well, at this writing I am 32 pounds less than when I started. So many people have asked me how I did it that I decided I had to write a post about it, because it is a brilliant plan and I think it will probably become a thing, like the Scarsdale Diet or the South Beach Diet. If a diet really has to be named for a place, I guess mine would be the Charlottesville Diet, but I really prefer to call it what it is: The Champagne and Bacon Diet. In truth, it is not so much a diet as a lifestyle. Diet implies suffering and this is anything but that.

Let me say right upfront that I know it is very tricky talking about weight and dieting. Back in 1988, on the “Fat Wagon” episode of her talk show during which she pulled a wagon piled high with animal fat equal to the amount of weight she had just lost, Oprah Winfrey got in a heap of trouble for saying, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Sure Oprah. Try saying that with a mouthful of macaroni and cheese. She was actually just quoting Kate Moss, but Oprah took the heat for encouraging a generation of young women to starve themselves in order to reach an unhealthy body weight. With that in mind, I have finally come to the conclusion that you really can’t lose some weight, then say, “Man am I glad that’s done,” and go back to eating a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken every Thursday night. This time I swear it really is a metabolized introject, which is the Freudian way of saying I really and truly do viscerally understand this. At least I hope I do because I have grown really tired of cleaning out my closet and shopping for different sizes every few years. Plus, I have a really cute fancy dress I can finally fit in again and I am dying to wear it just one more time, if we ever get to go anywhere fancy again.

THE FINE PRINT

You know how diet books always say, “You should consult your physician or other health care professional before starting this or any other weight-loss plan?” They act like they care about your well-being but, in truth, they are covering their asses so you can’t sue them if something bad happens to you because of following their advice. So listen up: if you follow my advice about this or anything else you are in a world of trouble and really should seek help. And besides, this is not advice. It is just my story about what I have done to fit into my old clothes. You may do with it what you will.

THE BUDDY SYSTEM

I have determined that the greatest catalyst for losing weight is envy. Last year my friend Ashley, working with the same personal trainer who had counseled me on nutrition and wellness back in 2018, started to look really svelte and fit because, I suppose, she actually followed the personal trainer’s advice. That envy was the kicker for me. Once I had lost about 20 pounds, my sister Norah got bitten by the envy bug, refusing to weigh more than her taller younger sister. So you see? It is a buddy system thing, kind of like having an AA sponsor. You need to find someone you can text when you feel like you are about to consume a half box of Krispy Kreme donuts; someone who can talk you down by saying something like, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Then you can say thanks and eat the donuts anyway, because you know your buddy can’t see you, and a half box of Krispy Kremes definitely tastes better than being thin feels. I know this from experience.

MY METAPHOR

At the end of last year we started a renovation project on our house, because just before Christmas is the perfect time to move all of the furniture out of your sunroom into the living room. Surely you have heard people say, “My body is my temple.” Well, I decided my body is my house, and my house needed a renovation. (Note: In case this starts to get confusing, keep in mind that, when I’m talking about my house from now on, I am actually talking about my body.)

My house had become rundown. Like a raised-ranch, the top floor was hanging out over the bottom floor. The foundation was starting to spread out. A coat of fresh paint just wasn’t enough to make it look nice anymore. I needed to take it down to the studs and build it back up again. That sort of renovation takes time and patience. (You see where I’m going with this?). You can’t just move the furniture out, replace all the windows overnight, then move the furniture back in. It just doesn’t work that way. You have to live with the furniture in the living room for not weeks, but months, while you work on the renovation. It doesn’t really have to be suffering, but it might feel inconvenient at times. There will be times when you feel like you can’t take another day of all that sawing and hammering and drilling, and you might want to say, “Oh to hell with this renovation,” and move the furniture back in before the job is done. At times like that, you have to remind yourself that your house isn’t going to renovate itself, and it is just going to become more and more dilapidated if you don’t finish the renovation.

Now, after you have invested all that time, money and energy in your big renovation, are you going to let it deteriorate again? Are you going to let everyone shit up your new beautiful room with needless junk? No, you are not. You are going to keep it neat and clean so that you can enjoy your investment.

THE KITCHEN SCALE

In my opinion, it is really important to know how much food you are stuffing into your pie hole. All that business about how a piece of meat should be the size of a lady’s palm and a serving of cheese is the size of 6 dice is hard to follow because then you will try to bargain about how big the lady is and what size the dice are, when all you really want to know is how much cake you can eat. I decided to use a kitchen scale to measure everything that went in my mouth. I know it sounds tedious, but this is key for me. I still measure my breakfast ingredients and I have been eating the same thing since last July.

I like this scale that is only $11.50 on Amazon. I also use it to measure baking ingredients like they do on The Great British Baking Show. Have you ever noticed how the Brits always measure using a scale, not a measuring cup? That’s because it is tons more accurate for things like flour and grated cheese. If a recipe calls for “1/4 cup grated cheddar (1 oz.),” I will measure it by weight and it’s always more like 1/2 cup. In other words, the scale doesn’t have to represent what you can’t eat. It might, in fact, let you have more than you expected. It’s a glass-half-full thing.

THE LOSE IT APP

I told you about the Lose It app a long time ago in my post, 6 Apps That Will Change Your Life. I have been using this app since April 2009. Holy Cow, that’s a long time in app years. I know how long it has been because you can create graphs to show your progress over different periods of time. I chose “All” and here’s what I got:

Yikes. You can see how all-over-the-place I have been for the last 10 years. I swear the yo yo stuff is over. I promise you that, five years from now, all you will see is a straight line going across the bottom of the graph. Honest. I am not going to gain and lose 10 or 20 pounds ever again. I’m really not. Also, by telling you that, I figure I will have to stick with it, lest I embarrass myself.

Nowadays I only use the Lose It app to check nutrition information and record a daily weight. A lot of people will tell you not to weigh yourself daily, and that you should judge your weight by how your clothes feel. That probably works for some people but I know myself well enough to know that I would start wearing bigger pants and would bargain that it’s just water weight and so on until suddenly I’m 10 pounds heavier. So I weigh myself every morning and I made a deal with myself that, if I go up by more than 3 pounds, I have to start logging all my food intake again. Logging everything you eat is enough trouble that it is a positive motivator for me to keep the weight off.

Look at the congratulations the Lose It app sent me when I had lost 25 pounds. It’s a pretty powerful visual. Can you imagine carrying a Corgi around all day?

EXERCISE

I don’t exercise as much as I used to, and that is by design because I think I used to exercise too intensely too often. But I am a big believer that you can’t sit on your ass and lose weight. Plus, exercise is good for you for a lot of reasons other than losing weight, so I do it. Don’t start whining about how you don’t want to go to a gym during Covid. I haven’t been to the gym in a year. Frankly, I don’t know if I will ever go back. I have become accustomed to sleeping in and doubt if I will ever be motivated to get out of bed by 8:00 to get to a class on time. I have my little gym set in my sunroom and have lots of videos that I watch. Go to YouTube and search for “exercise” and you will see what I mean. My all-time favorite is this HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) routine set to Taylor Swift music:

Last week Lawler and I did Yoga with Adriene on YouTube. I like Adriene because she isn’t one of those show offs who puts her feet behind her ears and other stuff that you couldn’t have managed when you were 12, let alone as an adult. She doesn’t play Enya music in the background either, so we were able to play our own music and still hear her voice. And her voice isn’t one of those faux soft nurturing voices. She is just a normal person with a cute dog who walks in and out of the frame. In short, this is some of the least annoying yoga I have ever practiced. For me, “least annoying yoga” is high praise. Here is a link to one of her videos. You can see that the dog is the one with the right idea of what you really should be doing at sunrise.

Finally, I follow exercises created for me by my personal trainer. I used to work with Kelsey in person but we stopped that during the pandemic, so she made me several sets of weight training routines that I do once or twice a week. She also did a nutrition consultation with me about 18 months ago that was the big eye-opener in terms of what I ought to do versus what I actually do. It took me a year to metabolize that introject. I just had to wait until I was ready to start the renovation, because you cannot renovate until you are ready. Kelsey now has an internet based fitness business, kelseychittumfitness.com or you can follow her on Instagram @kelsey_chittum_fitness. She also hosts a free group on Facebook called The Wellness Mindset Community. You are probably thinking I am getting a kick-back for gushing about her, but I’m not. I’ll have you know that I sold at least three Genie Bidets and at least four Athleta sweatshirts as a result of my Millennial Gift List and that’s just the people who told me they bought it, so I’m sure the counts are way more. I got jack for that too. Kelsey is just the least annoying fitness coach I have ever worked with and that, like my yoga recommendation above, is high praise. To be honest, I doubt if Kelsey would be giving my Champagne and Bacon Diet a big thumbs-up, but I think she would appreciate that I have found a lifestyle that works for me and that I feel happy and healthy.

THE THREE P’s

There are three other really key things about this lifestyle and they all start with P, which is why I call this section The Three P’s. First, you must PLAN. Tony and I used to work until 7:30 then wonder what we were going to have for dinner. It was always some meat, potatoes or rice and a vegetable. If Tony was cooking, there was sure to be mushroom soup involved. And heavy cream. And butter - lots of butter. Maybe some bacon. This is why you must PLAN. I spend some time on Saturday or Sunday figuring out what we are going to eat the following week, then shop for what we need. The second P is PROTEIN. You have to eat protein, protein, protein. Find a bunch of things that are high in protein and make sure you always have them on hand. I have Greek yogurt every morning for breakfast, tuna most days for lunch, and string cheese for snacks. I’ll give you the food details in a bit. Finally, more often than not, when I tell someone that my go-to breakfast includes granola, they will say, “That has a lot of carbs.” Yep. It does. But that’s where the third P comes in: PLEASURE. I am not going to be one of those people who orders a Cobb Salad and then says, “hold the blue cheese, avocado, egg and bacon and put the dressing on the side.” Why don’t you just order a bag of romaine lettuce for God’s sake? So I figured out a bunch of incredibly delicious things that fit my protein and calorie goals and I eat them. I don’t give a hoot how many carbs are in them. Can I hear an Amen?

THE CHAMPAGNE AND BACON DIET

Now that I have laid the groundwork, we can start talking about the specifics of my new eating lifestyle, called the Champagne and Bacon Diet. The premise is astonishingly simple: I start each day by entering the two things I can’t live without — champagne and bacon — into the Lose It app, and then I work the rest of the day around them. Bacon just starts the day off right. I grab it warm out of the pan and eat it while dancing a gustatorial watusi. And I eat it slowly, savoring every last incredibly delicious bite. Because I love bacon. My friend Sheppard and I once went to a Bacon Festival where the only thing the vendors served was stuff that involved bacon, like peanut butter and bacon, bacon muffins and bacon flavored chocolate. It was the closest to heaven I will come until my heart stops beating from eating too much bacon. But if you are thinking it is abominable that I eat bacon every day, let me share a little info with you. A couple of years ago, when my back was giving me a lot of trouble, I saw this acupuncturist guy that I will call The Back Whisperer because he really worked magic. He said that you should eat fat because it helps with inflammation and healing. If you look at it that way, bacon is practically medicine. So I eat it for my health. Champagne provides the same delight at the end of the day. It’s the bacon of the evening. When you work from home — and who doesn’t these days? — it can be difficult to cleave the atmosphere from work time to relax time. A glass of champagne will kick you right across the finish line, lickety-split. Okay, two glasses of champagne. Lawler recently mentioned to a friend that we drink champagne every day and her friend said, doesn’t it go flat? Um, nope. Not if ya drink it all.

Following are the specifics of The Champagne and Bacon Diet:

BREAKFAST (311 calories, 22g protein)

Bacon

4 oz. Nonfat Plain Greek yogurt, 2 oz. blueberries, 20 g. granola

I have been eating the same breakfast almost every day since last July. And no, it doesn’t get boring. I have never been a big fan of sweets or fruit for breakfast, so I’m pretty surprised by how much I love this. I actually go to sleep sometimes thinking about this delicious breakfast. Note that I eat nonfat plain Greek yogurt, and that is because it has less sugar and much more protein than regular yogurt. To tell you the honest truth, if there is one thing that is the magic in this lifestyle, it is the Greek yogurt. When I was a little kid learning how to swim, one day I put on some goggles and I suddenly started swimming. From that point on I was convinced that it was the goggles that made me swim. Greek yogurt for breakfast is like that for my weight. I swear it is what makes this whole lifestyle work. Besides the bacon and champagne.

I can’t really recommend that you try the Hudson Henry granola I sprinkle on top of the berries and yogurt because it is like crack and you will become addicted to it and they sell it at Whole Foods for, like, $9.00 a bag even though it is made right down the road in Palmyra so you would think they could price it for less because of no shipping and such. But oh well I eat it anyway because, remember the third P above? It’s all about that.

LUNCH

A can of tuna mixed with 3 tablespoons light mayonnaise, onion, celery (295 calories, 37.2 g protein). Add a 1/2 cup of 1% fat cottage cheese for just 80 calories and a whopping 14 grams of protein.

or

2 hard boiled eggs, celery spears with 2 tablespoons peanut butter (329 calories, 20 g protein)

or

A ham or chicken sandwich on Very Thin Bread (350 calories, 30 g protein)

These three options all taste delicious to me and are really easy to always have on hand. Maybe you don’t like some of those things, and that is fine. Tony calls my tuna salad lunch “cat food” and Ashley went cross-eyed when I told her about the hardboiled eggs and celery with peanut butter. She said there is literally nothing she would rather not eat than that. And yet I think it is heavenly. As Momma used to say, “To each his own, said the old lady as she kissed the cow.” So plan out your own delicious go-to lunch options, as long as they are high in protein and they get you excited. Because — you guessed it — pleasure is very important.

SNACK

APERITIF

12 oz. champagne (273 calories, 0 g protein)

Some of you might like prosecco or cava but Tony is a genuine French champagne snob, so it’s all we get. Fortunately he has found a couple of good sources of (relatively) reasonably priced legit champagnes - Wines ‘Til Sold Out and Empire State of Wine. Boxes arrive via Fedex at the rate of about two per week, which is a little embarrassing during Covid, since we can’t even act like we are having big parties every week.

DINNER (400-600 calories, protein varies)

Drum roll please…

We have been eating the Cooking Light Diet most nights since last July and I’m pretty sure Tony and Lawler would both tell you they have never eaten so well. It’s $10 a month and offers a huge variety of dinner recipes that fit within your calorie goal. My goal is 400 calories (because I have to leave room for the champagne). You pick from their suggestions and, if you don’t like any of the suggestions, they give you a new batch. Last night we had Pork Chops with Herbed Goat Cheese Butter and Green Beans, which is a favorite of mine. My whole family really likes Slow Cooker Sausage Cassoulet (with 3 kinds of pork, what’s not to love?) , Red Curry Shrimp Cakes, Black Bean Cakes with Ginger-Cilantro Cream and One-Pan Broccoli-Bacon Mac and Cheese. Seriously - does that sound like a diet to you? It’s all about the seasonings. And they match the main dishes up with great vegetables. I’ve learned lots of new ways to cook vegetables that are just so tasty and it doesn’t feel at all like a diet. It does help that I like to cook, and one of the great things about cooking is that you don’t snack or drink as much because your hands are busy. I don’t really need to keep subscribing to the diet because I have saved all of my favorite recipes, but it is a handy planning tool. You can also click on the “Shop” button and it shows everything you need for the dinners you chose. You just click to delete the things you don’t need and, voila, you have a shopping list.

EPILOGUE

Momma with her brand new Studebaker, c. 1952.

My mother was skinny her whole life. I mean, really, really skinny. She loved to eat and ate everything she wanted, but she always ate s-l-o-w-l-y. For a while she even drank a beer every night, hoping to gain weight. And there was nothing wrong with her, like hyperthyroidism or anything. She was just one of those people who had an easy time of it. Unfortunately, she did not pass that quality on to her three daughters. I was always able to lose weight when I needed to until I hit my late 50’s, when it became nearly impossible to do so, no matter what I did. So the fact that this has been so easy for me is a real head-scratcher. Either that Greek yogurt every morning really is my magical elixir, or I have a mysterious tissue-wasting disease. I expect I’ll be able to let you know within a couple of years.