Hi. My name is Eula. My old lady took the day off today because it is a holiday but, frankly, it looks like every day is a holiday around here these days. I have to bark and then howl every morning to make the humans get out of bed to let my brother Ben and me outside so that we can do our business. Ben and I are what humans call twins. We call ourselves “litter mates” but everyone thinks I am Ben’s mother because I’m getting a little gray in my face. It sucks but it is sort of okay because I am the only one with any sense. Ben is a moron. Daddy sometimes calls him Gomer Pyle. I don’t know what that means but the way Daddy says it makes me think it’s not a good thing. Here’s a picture of Ben and me. I am the one on the top and Ben is the one on the bottom. See how stupid he looks? He can’t help it.

You might have seen me a couple of weeks ago when my mother posted a picture on Instagram of her using me in place of a 12 pound medicine ball for exercise. She thought it was so funny. I was humiliated. But before you start calling Animal Control and turning her in for cruelty, you should know that she didn’t really use me as a medicine ball. She just acted like it while Daddy took the photos. She is a big faker but I didn’t care because I got a treat.

In case you were wondering, I am a Jack Russell. I was born on October 31, 2011, which means I am 8 going on 9, but I act MUCH younger than that. Ben and I chase balls for a good part of the day. Sometimes we drop them in the pool and then sit next to it and whine while we paw at the air. Our human family is lousy with Jack Russells. Altogether, there have been 10 Jack Russells in our family. One summer five of us got together and this is what that looked like:

ASK EULA

I am very pragmatic and resourceful, so pets all over the country are always asking me for my advice. Since some of these things might apply to you or your pets, I thought I would share some of my wisdom with you here today.

COUPE

Coupe is a new little cousin of mine who lives in Richmond. I have only met him once but he seems okay. It pisses me off that he has 903 followers on Instagram and he is only, like, 3 months old with 46 posts. It is just sick how people go so crazy for puppies. So let’s get all of your oohs and ahhs out of the way right now. Here are some recent pictures of little Coupe. Of course you will want to follow him now too - @herecomescoupe.

Coupe had a coming-of-age question that he wanted me to answer. He can’t read yet, so I gave him the answer in a video:

REMY

Remy is my cousin who lives in New York City, so she is a little stressed out right now. Remy writes:

Dear Eula,

How are you? I am fine. Or I WAS fine up until a few weeks ago when my mom started staying home all day long every day. She is really interrupting my sleep and I just don’t know what to do. A dog can only take so much hugging, ya know? Please write back.

Your friend,

Remy

Dear Remy,

I have been hearing complaints like this from all over the country. Dogs are going out of their minds trying to get their usual 20-22 hours of sleep, but some are having to make it on just 16 or 18 hours a day. Everyone is exhausted and on edge. My best advice is to fart. If you fart they push you off the couch and then you can go lie in the sun and get some much needed shut-eye.

Hope this helps! Stay well.

Eula

SCOUT

Scout is my cousin who lives in Pasadena, CA.

Dear Eula,

The other day my mother posted this picture on Instagram and put “Squirrel patrol” in the caption. How do I tell her that I wasn’t looking for squirrels. I was contemplating jumping to end my life. I am despondent and need your advice.

Your friend,

Scout

Dear Scout,

Get a grip. You were on a chair, so the chance of you being able to off yourself jumping from there is zero. The most you would do is snag a nail and that’s a drag so just don’t try it. You’ve lived in California for so long I’m a little surprised your Mom has never taken you to a pet therapist, but that’s okay because I know just the thing. People call it Prozac but my parents call them Doggie Downers. My cousin Remy and I have both been taking them for years and they will fix you right up.

Feel better soon!

Eula

RIZZO AND BOSS

Rizzo and Boss belong to my mother’s sister and her daughter. They are most definitely not related to me in any way.

Dear Eula,

Nobody likes us. We don’t have anyone to play with. Daddy says Boss looks like Leslie Stahl. Is that a good thing? Please tell us how we can make friends.

Rizzo “Rat Dog” and Boss

Dear Rizzo and Boss,

You don’t have any friends because you are ugly. And you bark all the time. Sorry I can’t help.

Eula

BEN

Ben is my stupid brother.

Dear Eula,

You are so mean but I have a question anyway. I am in love with a dog I met on Instagram. Her name is Olive Casino and she is a Cavalier King Charles. She is the most beautiful dog I have ever seen and obviously everyone else thinks so too because she has 13,500 followers. Do you think she would marry me? What kind of puppies would we have? Would they like to run after balls?

Your bother,

Ben

Dear Ben,

Your letter is dumb on so many levels. You can’t be in love with a dog you met on Instagram. Dogs don’t get married. It is not smart to mess around with dogs outside of your own breed. Look at the picture of Rizzo and Boss above and you will see what I mean. Plus, what would you call your pups? Cavalier Jack Russells? Besides, you are what is called “neutered.” See my answer to Coupe, above. That happened to you too. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with you. Maybe they missed your nuts and took your brain.

Your sister,

Eula

P.S. You misspelled brother.

My mother will be back for the next post, when she is finished with lying in bed and eating bon bons. Meanwhile, I’ll take your fan mail. Keep barking and chasing balls!

Love,

Eula

Ask Eula

ASK EULA

COUPE

REMY

SCOUT

RIZZO AND BOSS

BEN