The "I Could Care Less" Rant
In the interest of making the world a better place, I am compelled to offer grammatical instruction that is long overdue. I think it’s important to note that my grammatical rants are intended to serve a purpose, and are not just cathartic exercises. If I made an impression on just one person with my Left Lane Closed Ahead essay, there may be one less car between me and my exit the next time I encounter that dreaded sign. So you see, the purpose of my rants is the betterment of the population. It’s such a blessing that, with blogs and social media, we are no longer forced to be annoyed in stoic silence. I have waited years for this opportunity and am pleased to have the ability to give back and make a difference.
The subject of today’s rant is the misuse of the expression, “I couldn’t care less.” Some of you know exactly what I’m going to say and you, dear ones, are the chosen. For the rest of you, let me explain: If you say, “I could care less,” you are wrong. Forty years ago you NEVER heard anyone say, “I could care less.” Everyone knew the correct use of the expression and employed it as “I couldn’t care less.” It’s hard to say when and how the change began, but I have a theory that Shonda Rhimes did it. Shonda Rhimes is the creator of Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal, and if you want to hear someone say, “I could care less,” tune into one of those shows for about 30 minutes. As a bonus, you will also get to hear actors playing doctors, lawyers, professors and the President of the United States say, “This is between you and I,” and “This is between my secretary and myself.” Both are like fingernails on a blackboard for me, but those are rants for another day. This repeated misuse is all it takes for a bastardized expression to become the status quo. It’s the language version of opposable thumbs, only it happens a lot faster.
If you are a perpetuator of the incorrect usage and are reluctant to accept the fact that you are wrong, I will explain using simple language and pictures. When you say, “I could care less,” you are communicating that you do, in fact, care at least a little bit, since it is possible for you to care less than you do. My scientific infographics are always helpful, so digest this one:
Ex. 1: CILANTRO AND PARSLEY
Note that the y axis represents the amount I care, from 0 to 100%. It is easy to see that I am passionate about cilantro, which is one of those things people either love or hate. There is actually a website called IHateCilantro.com that has a whopping 5,720 members, which is more than I can say for youngestsister.com (although you and your friends could change that). Anyway, theoretically, it would be possible for me to say, “I could care less about cilantro,” because, as you can see in the graph, there is a vast area below the level at which I care about cilantro. Is that what the ignorant people who say, “I could care less” mean when they say it? Clearly not. Now refer to the Parsley bar. Although I don’t care much about parsley taste-wise, I do think it can be useful as a garnish, but never on children’s food. Years ago, when she was too young to know that parsley just doesn’t matter at all, my daughter/blog coach Lawler was served a kid-size cheese pizza that some moronic but well-meaning chef had sprinkled with parsley. To say that she cared deeply about the parsley not being on her pizza is an understatement. It is a good example of what is known as care antipathy in the world of Caring Economics, and has nothing to do with whether one could or could not care less, but is worth noting in case any restaurant chefs read this.
Ex. 2: PIZZA TOPPINGS
Referring to the infographic, one can see that I care enough about pizza toppings to push that bar into the Realm of Ambivalence, which still leaves a substantial range in which I could care less. You see, I am ambivalent about typical pizza toppings, so that I might casually say, “I couldn’t care less what you put on the pizza,” but that would be a lie. I think putting fruit (like pineapple) and shellfish (like shrimp or crabmeat) on a pizza is bizarre and was surely never the intention of the inventors of pizza. It is clear in the bar graph that I actually COULD care less than I do about pizza toppings, so if I were to say, “I could care less about which pizza toppings you get,” it would be true, albeit meaningless.
Ex. 3: JENNIFER LOPEZ
It is worth acknowledging that the expression, “I couldn’t care less” can often be used for emphasis, as an exaggeration, and must therefore always be considered in context. For example, I might say, “I couldn’t care less about Jennifer Lopez,” when referring to a gossip article about her sixth engagement. However, as is clearly shown on the infographic, I do care a little about Jennifer Lopez because I like her song, “On the Floor,” which we used to dance to in Zumba classes. She doesn’t enunciate very well, so for many years, when she sang, “Live your life and stay young on the floor” I thought it was, “Live your life and say ‘I’m on the throne,’” which is exactly what I say when I don’t feel like talking to anyone, so it made good sense to me. I also like her in the movie, Maid in Manhattan, in spite of the fact that Ralph Fiennes was poorly cast as the love interest in a chick flick. So it’s just as well that he is the new M in James Bond movies - it suits him much better. At any rate, since I care a little about Jennifer Lopez, it would be technically false to declare that I couldn’t care less about her unless I was clearly referencing the cover of People magazine.
Ex. 4: SCOTCH AND GAME OF THRONES
Now observe the caring areas of scotch and Game of Thrones in the infographic. The level of caring is placed directly on the x-axis, indicating that it is not physically possible for me to care any less than I do, because I already care as little as is humanly possible (C = 0). There was a time when I actually cared a teensy bit about scotch, in that I attempted to drink it several times. However, my friend Bryan gave me a tasting of both a good scotch and a run-of-the-mill scotch and, discovering that both taste like stale fermented baboon urine, I decided to abandon the effort it takes to care about liking scotch. The amount I care about scotch therefore, has been pushed to the bottom of the y-axis, at equal parity with the amount I care about Game of Thrones, which has been at the C=0 point since its inception. In other words, if I were invited to a Game of Thrones-themed Scotch tasting party I could say truthfully and unequivocally, “I couldn’t care less.”
I have done my part to try to salvage this useful expression from the dreaded path of “whole nother,” “by in large” and “butt naked.” I would love to say, “I couldn’t care less whether you follow my advice,” but that would not be true. Because I care very deeply (C=100).
As always, this advice is 100% correct and worth what you paid for it.