Things I Learned From Steve
I remember the first time I met Steve and his wife Barbara like it was yesterday. We were playing golf on a Friday evening in a thing called “Guys and Dolls” which you probably couldn’t do anymore because it’s not okay to call women Dolls anymore, nor is it appropriate to assume couples are made up of a man and a woman anymore. But this was about 30 years ago, in the dark ages, when they still had a rule at The Club that women couldn’t tee off on weekends until the afternoon, so as to allow the hard working men to have free-reign of the course in the mornings. Honestly, this rule was not okay with the women even way back then but, as my sister Norah said when I bitched to her about it, “It’s a club. If you don’t like the rules, you don’t have to join.” And that, my friends, is why Norah has a PhD and receives mail addressed to “Dr.” Because she is just smart about those sorts of things.
Anyway, we were in a foursome with Steve and Barbara that evening and it turned out to be the beginning of a life-long friendship. Or at least they were still my friends up until when they read this post. I remember that Steve was pretty darned handsome, with prematurely grey-white hair. He was a no-nonsense golfer who addressed the ball and got right down to business, with none of that waggling and backing off to reassess the shot. He hit a good ball and was so quiet that he seemed very mysterious, especially when compared with Barbara who seemed, shall we say, less mysterious. He was like Robert Redford in The Natural, only playing golf instead of baseball. Or maybe like Robert Redford playing the Matt Damon role in The Legend of Bagger Vance. Suffice it to say he was like Robert Redford in one of those quiet, introspective roles which, come to think of it, is the only kind of role Robert Redford ever seemed to play.
Later I would find out that Steve went to Harvard. Finding out a friend went to Harvard (or, to a lesser degree, Yale or Princeton) always causes me to cock my head sideways and look at the person differently, suddenly trying to place them at the tip of the intellectual iceberg. It turns out Steve was a football player, so maybe that had something to do with how he got in, or maybe he really was just wicked smart. All I know is that he was, and still is, wicked clever and funny and, because of that, I have actually listened to what he has said over the years. Most of it is the kind of knowledge you really wish you could purge to make room for useful stuff, but we don’t have control over these things, so I thought I would share the accumulation of little nuggets of wisdom with you. To be honest, some of these tips involve Barbara at least as much as Steve, but I like the sound of the title, “Things I learned from Steve,” so I’m going with that. Barbara is pragmatic and doesn’t hold a grudge. At least I don’t think she does.
RICE PILAF
In my house, there are things that one of us cooks and the other doesn’t, because one of us is just better at it than the other. For example, Tony always cooks the chicken or beef we put in tacos, stirs up some wicked scrambled eggs and makes Philly cheese steaks. Steve and Barbara are the same way, in that there are things that only Steve makes, like this recipe for rice pilaf. We don’t eat it as often as we used to since carbs became a curse, but every once in a while I get a wild hair and make it to go with things like shish kebabs or chicken fish (see below).
Ingredients:
Butter
Orzo
Chicken broth (or Better Than Bouillon)
White Rice
Melt some butter in a saucepan. Add about 1/4 cup of orzo and cook it, stirring almost constantly, until it is brown. Add a cup of uncooked rice and stir that around too. Add 2 cups of chicken broth, being careful because it will make a lot of steam in that hot pan. Cover and simmer over low heat until all the liquid is absorbed - about 20 minutes.
Don’t have orzo? No worries. Steve would usually just take a handful of spaghetti and break it into little pieces, so that’s really more authentic if you are trying to make pilaf just like Steve’s. This is a very tasty recipe and you should try it.
CHICKEN FISH
When their daughter was small and found fish suspicious, Steve and Barbara renamed salmon, “chicken fish.” Steve cooked it under the broiler until it was flaky and served it with rice pilaf and their daughter ate it right up, once she found out it was chicken fish. This is not like that pathetic story of Jessica Simpson asking, “Is this chicken or is this fish?” while eating Chicken of the Sea brand tuna. This was just intelligent parental subterfuge, like exterminating monsters under the bed with a spray bottle filled with water. By the way, if you haven’t seen Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica it is pretty amusing. Jessica Simpson makes Nick Lachey seem like a rocket scientist. Bless her heart.
THE WORLD’S BEST MACARONI AND CHEESE
My children loved having dinner at Steve and Barbara’s because they made the BEST macaroni and cheese. Knowing that people are sometimes funny about sharing special recipes, I finally got up the nerve to ask how they made it. Turns out it was pretty simple.
Boil some fancy-shaped pasta until it’s done. Throw it in a casserole, add some milk and cubes of Velveeta. Yep, Velveeta - the big block of orange you find on the dry goods shelf that can’t even be called cheese, so they call it “cheese food.” Put that in the microwave and nuke it until the cheese melts. Take it out. Stir it up. Serve it to the kids. It is utterly perfect, as long as you aren’t one of those parents who is into nutrition.
GOLDSCHLAGER
Goldschlager is a cinnamon schnapps liqueur that has little flecks of gold floating in it and, if you haven’t tried it, you should because it is delicious. But don’t drink a whole lot of it. You know those little tiny liqueur glasses? There is a reason why they are so small and the reason is that you shouldn’t drink a whole lot of any kind of liqueur. Now that cars have back up cameras and warnings when you are about to hit something it probably would not be as problematic as it was 30 years ago but, just to be on the safe side, you really shouldn’t drink a whole lot of it, even though it is delicious.
DRY JANUARY
“Dry January” has become a popular activity in the past couple of years for people who need to assure themselves once a year that they really are not alcoholics. Well, Steve has been doing Dry January for at least 25 years — long before it became a thing — so I’m thinking he may have actually invented it. I personally will never experience Dry January because, if you remember my January Schmanuary post, you know that I think January is already miserable enough without taking away alcohol.
IN BED
I’m sure many of you have been doing this for years, but I had never heard of adding “in bed” to the end of fortunes from fortune cookies until Steve taught me. When he first said it I think I thought he invented that too, but now I know better. It makes fortunes much more amusing and is a fun party trick. Try it:
"You will soon experience great success."
“Wisdom is knowing what to do.”
“You can be all alone and still have a good time.”
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
The next time someone is whining about a slow internet connection or about having to get a latte at Kroger because there was no Starbucks nearby, shame them by pointing out that, “80% of the free world has never made or received a phone call.” I either do not remember the quote correctly, or a lot more people have gotten phones in the last 30 years, because apparently about 60% of people now have cell phones. But I still like the sound of that quote that I derived from something Steve said that was probably correct at the time, so I’m still using it. And I don’t get any push back on it either, which goes to show that people either think I know what I’m talking about, or that they just aren’t listening to me. Which wouldn’t surprise me a bit.
IF IT WAS UP YOUR ASS YOU’D KNOW IT
This is, hands down, the most valuable thing I ever learned from Steve. Say someone is looking for something - like their car keys. They say, “Where are my car keys? You answer, “If they were up your ass you’d know it.” Pause. Wait for huge laughter. Or maybe just a glare of disbelief. It will work with lots of other things, like cell phones, snacks, beer, even a cat or a hamster.
Note: This is not appropriate to say around young children, especially those who take everything you say literally or who like to experiment.