The 2019 Millennial Gift List
It’s here!
I am proud to present this year’s Millennial Gift List just in time for you to do your Black Friday and Cyber Monday shopping. As always, I have meticulously combed the web, done all the research and performed the scientific studies so that I, not you, will see ads for all this shit on every browser, Instagram and Facebook page for the next 30 days. If nothing on this year’s list of carefully curated curios for the curious adult child strikes your fancy, I stand behind my previous recommendations from 2017 and 2018. As always, my advice is as timeless as it is valuable.
ALL THINGS CBD
This time last year, when my very hip and informed daughter gave me my first bottle of CBD oil, many of us had not heard of it. CBD is this year’s kombucha and it’s everywhere - including Walgreens and CVS. For those of you who are still not in-the-know, CBD (cannabidiol) is said to have health benefits and is used by some to treat pain and anxiety. It is derived from hemp, which is a cannabis plant but is not marijuana. CBD’s association with cannabis is what makes people of my generation lower their voices to a whisper when they talk about it, like, “Hey man - I scored some CBD yesterday. Wanna do some gummies?” It’s a reflex, like the anxiety I still feel every time I walk into a liquor store and worry that I might get carded. But CBD is totally legal, and you can now get CBD bath bombs, tooth picks, tea, gummies and dog treats. Read about CBD online and you will learn about “terpenes” which, when combined with CBD produce an “entourage effect” to maximize what you get out of your CBD. (Insert eye roll here). In short, those Millennials who were all about artisanal designer beers last year are sure to have jumped on the CBD bandwagon by now, so you can’t go wrong with a lovingly curated assortment of CBD treats like the following:
AIRPODS PRO
Don’t you love how companies make a product that they sell for a while, then, when they make improvements and come out with a new version, they just add “Pro” to the name? As if the first iteration of AirPods was for amateur listeners and this one is for professional listeners. The new AirPods are noise cancelling and include three sizes of changeable silicone tips for a much better fit than the traditional version. While noise cancellation is all well and good, I would rather my New York City Millennial be able to hear when someone is about to mug her, so it’s good that you can turn off the noise cancellation feature. Both the new Pro version and the traditional Amateur version come with a wireless charging case that can recharge your AirPods on the go in just 15 minutes. This is a cool feature because nothing is more disappointing than getting to the gym expecting to watch The Crown for 47 minutes on the elliptical trainer only to find that your earbuds have lost their charge. In the event these AirPods do lose their charge, you can still wear them just for the cachet, and because they are very good at keeping people from talking to you. Personalized engraving is free and I would recommend it because it would pretty easy for someone to slip these $249 puppies into their pocket. You may as well make the thief feel guilty every time they look at your initials. If the real thing is too rich for your budget, I recommend Walmart’s answer to AirPods, EarFit ear buds for just $11.99. They are just as effective at signalling that you are not interested in having a conversation.
GIFT A GOAT
I was thrilled when I received the Heifer International catalog in the mail because it gave me an idea for the perfect gift for my animal-loving niece, Mary Clark. Mary Clark has always had a menagerie of animals on hand, from the ugly little yapping rescue dogs that bite your ankles, to rabbits, pigs and chickens. I opened this catalog to the page that said, “Gift of a Goat: $120,” and knew I had found the perfect thing. I gleefully imagined the look on my sister Norah’s face taking delivery of a goat from a UPS truck. But when I read the fine print I discovered that, rather than receiving a gift of a live animal, Mary Clark would receive a “Holiday Honor card” describing how a goat would be given to a family in India who would be able to drink its milk and enjoy its typical offspring of twins or triplets (siring billy goat not included). While, in theory, Millennials are all about giving back, I imagine one would drop said Holiday Honor card in favor of the box with the West Elm logo on it so fast it would make your head spin.
But if your Millennial really does have have the selfless giving heart of Greta Thunberg and would enjoy this sort of thing, I recommend the World Wildlife Fund’s honorary gifts to help save animals like Sumatran Rhinos, Pygmy Elephants, and Fennec Foxes. Because the WWF has the good sense to send your Millennial a symbolic plush stuffed animal which is a bit more fun to unwrap on Christmas morning than the coveted Holiday Honor Card.
PHONE SOAP
I know several Millennials who are germaphobes and I think it is because they grew up playing video games indoors instead of eating dirt for fun like we did when I was a kid. Even if you don’t want to admit that you sit on the toilet every morning playing Angry Birds, your phone collects germs from everything your hands touch, from gas pumps to grocery carts. My Millennial friend Andi has taught her children to open doors using their clothing to shield their hands from the knob, and she disinfects her steering wheel every day, so I know she will love this year’s germaphobic sensation, PhoneSoap. The people at PhoneSoap state that a cell phone “has 18x more bacteria than a public restroom” and they call your cell phone, “a petri dish in your pocket.” If you want to freak out your germaphobic Millennial, show them this:
Place your phone into a PhoneSoap device for a 10-minute cycle and its UV-C light will kill 99.99% of household germs while charging your phone. They also create a larger version, HomeSoap, that is big enough to hold iPads, video game controllers and baby bottles. Just don’t put your head or your cat in there, because UV-C rays are harmful to your eyes. Brace yourself for the price point - cleanliness is expensive.
NINTENDO SWITCH
Millennials do not stop playing video games when they grow up, they just buy better gaming systems that no one can take away from them, no matter how ill-behaved they are. Go to the Nintendo Switch website and you will see that the advertising images do not show children playing video games anymore; they show an adult couple wearing Lands’ End leisure wear enjoying the gaming experience while sitting side by side on their Pottery Barn sofa.
I found the options so confounding that I had to consult my 30-something son Taylor about what you need to buy for the ultimate gaming experience. He says the full system can operate in TV mode, tabletop mode or handheld mode, whereas the Nintendo Switch Lite for just $199.99 is just the handheld version. You may need to buy an additional Joy-Con controller to play multi-player games. And I’m pretty sure that Joy-Con will fit inside HomeSoap.
WEIGHTED BLANKET
Qusleep Diamond Weighted Blanket 10-15 lb.
My favorite writer, Jason Gay, recently tweeted, “we got a weighted blanket. it’s great. but I was not prepared for the fights over the weighted blanket. it’s tearing this family apart.” That’s proof enough for me that weighted blankets are definitely a thing. Millennials have co-opted Temple Grandin’s experience that squeezing pressure is comforting, so embracing the weighted blanket is as natural for them as ordering a double-shot upside-down iced caramel macchiato. Weighted or “Gravity” blankets are partially filled with things like sand, rice, beans or seeds to increase the blanket’s weight to anywhere from 10 to 30 pounds. This is the latest product in the realm of anxiety consumerism that seems to be attempting to capitalize on young people’s apparent need for comfort. I just wonder: haven’t they ever heard of tequila? It works great and is certainly more portable.
CASAMIGOS
Speaking of Tequila, the hottest brand out there is Casamigos, founded by George Clooney and two business partners, each of whom put up $600,000 to launch the business. Four years later they sold out to a British liquor company, and each stand to make $333 million out of the deal. Their goal was to make a tequila that goes down smooth and doesn’t give you a hangover, both of which are qualities I’m pretty sure I would have appreciated when I was Millennial-aged. Plus, a shot of tequila has just 64 calories, compared to 96 calories in a shot of vodka, and it’s gluten-free, so it’s practically good for you. And you can forget about needing that weighted blanket to go to sleep.
REUSABLE GROCERY BAGS
Nothing makes me more bat shit crazy than seeing young people, who are probably on their way to a Save The Planet rally, carrying 5 half-empty disposable plastic bags out of the grocery store. And the thing is, the amount of stuff they pack in 5 plastic bags all fits in one reusable bag. Check this out:
Tote bags are a very popular giveaway at conventions, so you can save yourself some money by just giving away your tradeshow swag. I do that all the time. But if you have nothing but money, there is a plethora of reusable grocery bags available from Amazon. Several years ago I was shopping with my friend Deborah when she reached into her purse and, like a magician, pulled out a tiny bag that had been scrunched into its own attached pouch. I thought it was clever so I searched for something like that for this post. I found these that aren’t quite as good as Deborah’s but they are close, in that they have an attached pouch. But I think it is a little worrisome that the makers find it necessary to include a diagram to show you how to fold it.
Set of 5 Foldable Grocery Bags - $12.99
Lawler turned me on to these reusable grocery bags made by Baggu. They come in a zillion different patterns and are even modeled for you, so that you can get a better idea of how you will look wearing white while carrying groceries in them.
My personal favorite tote bag ever is this one that was given to me for Christmas by my friend Sheppard several years ago. It is both useful and educational and you can find bags very much like this one at CafePress.com. A great teacher’s gift!
PARTY GAMES
Players are dealt caption cards that they pair with image cards to create a funny and memorable meme. Generations other than Millennials can play this game once someone explains to them what a meme is.
Questions for people who can answer, “Why did Lululemon recall a batch of yoga pants in 2013?” but can’t answer, “What is the capital of Belgium?” Non-Millennials will not be able to play along unless they can answer, “What rap artist’s nickname, ‘Breezy’, appears as a tattoo on Rihanna’s arm?” (Answers: Too sheer, Brussels, Chris Brown).
SWIRLY-DOs / TELE TIES
In the space of 24 hours I observed that both my Xennial friend Ashley and my Millennial personal trainer Kelsey wear these spiral hair ties that promise not to crimp your hair. For those of us who can remember what a phone cord looks like, they are like a smaller version of that, hence the name “tele ties,” but they are also known as “swirly-dos.” Before I could declare these new and improved rubber bands a “thing” I needed one more person in my sampling distribution, so I asked my daughter Lawler if she uses them. To my great disappointment she answered that no, she does not use them but agreed that they are indeed very popular with members of her cohort. She added that her friend Lauren does use them, so therein lies the proof that 3 out of 4 Millennials love these spiral hair ties. Finally, the price is right.
ANTI BLUE RAYS GLASSES
On this year’s Favorite Things Gift List, Oprah Winfrey recommends Peepers Blue Light Filtering glasses, but they are a pricey $25 compared to this year’s $11.99 recommendation from Youngest Sister. I can personally attest to the fact that these Eyeguard anti blue light computer glasses are both stylish and effective. Any Millennial can tell you that tinted glasses designed to filter High-Energy Visible (HEV) blue light are de riguer at work these days and are said to be even more helpful at cutting down on the sleep-disruptive feature of screen time before bed, which is more than you can say for a weighted blanket. My glasses are +1.25 magnification, but you can get them with zero magnification if you have great eyesight but just want to be cool. If the Sally Jesse Raphael vibe isn’t you, they have lots of cute colors.
Just for the record, I wasn’t looking at Oprah’s list for ideas; that was just a coincidence. After this list, I’m thinking it is Oprah who will be looking to Youngest Sister for advice.
If you have any brilliant-beyond-brilliant Millennial gift ideas you want to share, tell us about them in the Comments below. And as always, nothing says “I love you” more than the gift of a free subscription to Youngest Sister. Just click this button: