January Schmanuary
I hate January.
January is cold, dark and cloyingly hopeful. On New Year’s Day I enter a torporous 31 day funk during which I am like a hibernating bear who doesn’t want to leave her cave. My biorhythms flatline to a steady blah and my creative juices evaporate. My Superego chirps, “Get out of bed, go to the gym then write a blog post!” My Id counters with, “Lie on the couch and do needlepoint while watching the Australian Open and eating Fritos.” The Id keeps winning, which is why I haven’t written a blog post in 28 days. But you should see how much needlepoint I have done. If you don’t know anything about needlepoint, trust me, this is a lot of stitching in just a couple of weeks. If I weren’t in such a hedonistic stupor I would explain how I made the pattern in Photoshop on a 13 pixel-per-inch grid and painted it on the canvas with acrylic paint but I just don’t have the energy. Maybe some other time.
In case you are wondering, this will go on a foot stool.
FAN ENCOURAGEMENT PROMPTS SCIENTIFIC STUDY
Two loyal readers who recently expressed disappointment over my lack of productivity shamed me into lifting my head off the pillow long enough to regurgitate these thoughts, in hopes that a purge will encourage the growth of new and positive feelings.
My mother was always cheerful and happy in January, because her birthday was in January. I therefore formulated the hypothesis that the only people who actually like January are those who have birthdays in January. To test my hypothesis I performed one of my objective scientific studies in which I asked people whose birthdays are in January whether they like January.
MATERIALS AND METHODS
Test subjects were selected from a Facebook list of January birthdays. Interviews were conducted in person (1), via text message (1) and via Facebook posts (2). The control group is everybody else who, like me, hates January. Test subjects received no compensation.
RESULTS
Following are the test subjects’ responses to the question, “Do you like January?”
Sara – “Yes, but then my birthday is in January.”
Jim – “Love it.”
Julie – “Yes! January is my birth month, so I am all about it!”
Jenny – “Not really!”
ANALYSIS
Study members were not informed of the test group selection criteria, yet 50% of them mentioned their birthday in their response. This is a clear indicator that it is the reason why they like January. Sara’s response seemed almost apologetic, and implies that she is aware that January sucks for people born in other months. Based on her negative response, it is obvious that Jenny had either forgotten her birthday is in January, or that her dislike for January is so strong that it nullifies the joyful feelings a birthday is meant to promote.
Jenny’s answer stimulated unsolicited responses from a cohort outside of the study group, including the following:
Glenn – “The only month I hate worse than January is February.” *
Jenny – “Agree, Glenn!” *
Lizzie – “Same!”
Responses marked with * were “Liked” by a third member of the non-study cohort, Bruce, indicating that Bruce not only agrees with Glenn that the only month worse than January is February, but that he also supports Jenny’s agreement with Glenn’s statement. The use of exclamation points in their responses demonstrates the degree to which Jenny and Lizzie dislike January (a lot). The fact that any of them gave a shit and even bothered to comment on such an utterly boring subject is evidence of the mindless stupor that overwhelms the majority of people in January, driving them to Facebook for both social communication and news reports.
RESULTS
75% of people who have birthdays in January like the month of January.
100% of people who are friends with someone who has a birthday in January but who does not like the month of January, also do not like the month of January.
I don’t like January.
I have 342 Facebook friends, 11 of whom have a January birthday.
75% or 8.25 of them like January, therefore 333.75 dislike January. (342 – 8.25).
97.588% of people dislike January.
RECOMMENDATIONS
What the first quarter of this year shouldd have looked like.
Since nobody really likes January, it should be reduced to 2 days, and its remaining 29 days divided among all the other months, so that each of the other months has 33 days. This will relieve February of the leap year stigma, which will be passed to January. The song, “Thirty days have November, April, June, and September,” will no longer be necessary, as all you will have to remember is that all the good months have 33 days, and January has 2 days because it sucks. Every four years January can have a 3rd day.
If you have any other suggestions about what to do with this loathesome time of year, please share them in the comments below. And if you want to share your thoughts but can’t figure out how, watch this.