I am a Gold Star Junkie

When I was a kid, long before kids started getting trophies just for showing up, I would get a gold star sticker to signify an accomplishment. My piano teacher would give me one each time I mastered a piece of music. When I was a girl scout, I got a gold star every night for two weeks just for setting the table and helping with dinner. Of course, that led to a merit badge, which was sort of a permanent gold star. My sister Janelle ran across those a couple of months ago, while moving. Mine’s the one on the right. That cup of coffee badge is the one I got for helping with dinner and setting the table. Come to think of it, a lot of those girl scout badges had to do with helping out around the house, so I think girl scouts must have been invented by a tired mother. Pretty clever.

Every January, my gym has a “Gold Star Challenge.” When you show up to work out you get a gold star to stick in one of the boxes next to your name. If you do paid stuff, like work out with a personal trainer or go to a class, you get TWO stars. I used to do this gold star challenge thing many years ago, but lost interest after I had earned about four of the ugly shirts you got if you accumulated 50 stars. You know those T shirts that have too small a neck opening that makes them unflattering? That kind. Here’s the last shirt I earned. I pimped it out and wore it to Zumba classes.

I know y’all are thinking, COOL! I want to make my t-shirts look like that and you want me to tell you how, but there are a zillion videos that show you how, like this one on YouTube , so I’m not going to waste all of our time showing you that stuff. I would rather spend our time together teaching you useful stuff like how to cane a footstool or how to install a swim spa, because those are things I know about that I don’t think everybody else is trying to teach you.

Anyway, as cute as that shirt is, I don’t need another one, so I wasn’t going to participate in this year’s contest until I found out you also win a COUPON BOOK for discounts on personal training and massages, so I decided I might as well play. I put my name on the board and got my first two stars. After about six stars I was HOOKED. Here’s what the board looks like:

That’s my line, circled in red. I finished my line of 50 stars this morning, 29 days into the challenge. The thing is, I stopped yearning for the coupon book and designer T-shirt weeks ago. My sole motivation over the past few weeks has been THE STARS. As soon as I check into Fitness I ask for my stars, then march over to the board like a kindergartner to proudly stick them in the squares. It is intoxicating. I wake up in the morning thinking of how many stars I will get for going to yoga or working with a personal trainer. I eagerly count the number of boxes that are left, in excited anticipation of reaching the end. I tell everyone it’s not a competition, that the only person I am competing with is myself but, to be honest, that is total bullshit. My friend Lizzie likes to finish first, which isn’t too surprising, given that she is the middle of three sisters. Those middle children have to grasp at success wherever they can get it. But she is at least 10 stars behind me. TEN STARS. Obviously this is a peer pressure exercise - why else would they put the stars on a board for everyone to see? They could give you a card that only you would see but what’s the fun in that? People, the world is full of winners and losers and it has been since the caveman days, only the outcome for today’s losers is less deadly than in the years B.C. And the winners get shiny gold stars.

This morning I reached the ultimate triumph, as I placed the last star on my line. There are no more boxes to fill; I have accomplished all there is to accomplish. And yet I left the gym this morning feeling hopeless and forlorn. What’s next? What possible reason do I have to go to Fitness anymore, now that I have reached the pinnacle of fitness success? Sure, I’ve lost 12 pounds and 7 1/2” overall, but what does that matter if I don’t get stars? I now know how an actor feels after winning an Oscar, or how it feels to graduate at the top of one’s class or be named Best Dressed. Lord knows this is the closest thing to that sort of success I will ever experience and I’m here to tell you that it is a huge letdown. Who knew how motivational those little stars could be?

Unable to find a clear path forward, I did the only logical thing one could do: I started over, on a new line at the bottom. I have until February 28th to make it all the way to the end again. Wish me luck.