I know. Everyone is thinking I fell too fast and too hard when I found love at the fish counter. But honestly, how could anyone have anticipated that I would move so quickly from being besotted at the fish counter to being bedeviled by the carping fish wife? No sooner had I finished my post about the revolutionary oven-ready fish bag than Kroger changed the software in the self checkout area. Suddenly the trusting and taciturn arbiter of the scanning station - a wise counselor for whom I had developed great admiration - has been replaced by a suspicious snoop who never stops talking. Please place the item in the bagging area. Please remove the last item from the bagging area and scan it. Please take your receipt. Do you have any coupons? Nag, nag, nag. I find myself thinking I might actually move to a human checkout line, which is a thought I never expected to have.

***It was Harris Teeter post traumatic checkout deja vu.***

Something felt wrong the moment I stepped up to the self-checkout area and tapped "Use my own bags." It was clear she had an attitude, as though she had chosen the bags she offered just for me and was offended that I didn't want to use them. Sorry, Checkout Chickie, but my single bag holds as many groceries as five of yours. She proceeded to police every move I made, and continually used bad judgement, calling me out to her supervisor with every new scan, declaring that I had done something wrong when, I assure you, I had not. I tell you, it was Harris Teeter post traumatic checkout deja vu (and if you can't remember how THAT turned out, click here). To their credit, the Self-Checkout Police were on top of the situation and were quick to apologize for the tattling neophyte's incessant neurotic accusations. They explained that they were the last store in town to convert to this software and they are still working out the kinks. I replied that the library-quiet atmosphere of their self-checkout area was what had kept me coming back to that store. (It seemed overly familiar to go into all the details about the oven-ready fish bag and individual celery spears at this point). They allowed as how many people had remarked that the new scanning prefect was overly chatty.

It's a good thing the people who write the software for grocery store checkouts don't design gas pumps.

After I left the grocery store I stopped at the BP station up the hill for gas. Now this is ironic: I think we can all agree that pumping gas is a whole lot more complicated than scanning and bagging your own groceries, yet you will not hear one peep out of most gas pumps. Sure there is the occasional beep and prompt for input but, for the most part, we are left to our own devices to figure out what could actually be a life-threateningly dangerous experience. If the people who designed the grocery store self-checkout kiosks wrote the software for gas pumps, we would be required to stand on a scale in front of the pump to see if we weigh enough to be allowed to pump gas. Then the pump would chatter-chatter about choosing a grade, flipping a handle, removing the cap, placing the nozzle in the tank, squeezing the handle, removing the nozzle, placing it in the pump holster. Then, "Don't forget to replace your gas cap. Have a nice day!" And maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing. A few months ago I was travelling with my friend Sheppard and she offered to pump the gas since it was raining, which was very kind of her. Later, as we were driving down the road, I happened to ask, "Did you put the gas cap back on?" Lord only knows why I would ask such a thing because Sheppard is not stupid and there was no reason to think she wouldn't have put the gas cap back on. She looked in the rear-view mirror and, don't you know, she hadn't? So we stopped and she put it back on and no harm was done but we should all be a teensy bit worried about the fact that Sheppard is about to embark on an epic cross-country journey all by herself. She is going to blog about it, so let's all follow her blog (sheppardsroadtrip.tumblr.com) and maybe offer an occasional friendly reminder, "Don't forget to replace your gas cap. Have a nice day!"

Speaking of blog comments, you can leave yours below. Just type the comment, then click Post Comment. A big ugly black window appears that apparently leaves many of you flummoxed before you beat a hasty retreat, leaving me commentless. But all you have to do is type a name and then you can click the Comment as Guest button. So try that. Because I'm feeling very lonely and exposed out here.

Trouble in paradise